laurylr — 17 years ago(June 13, 2008 09:34 AM)

I am posting this message in hopes that Nancy O'Connor may read it one day.
If you read this message, and the O'Connors, and their son, Hugh's, story have impacted your life, I hope you will leave a message as well. I regret that I never wrote Mr. O'Connor to thank him while he still lived.
I am a conservative republican. I graduated from High School in 1973 and my father was a fundamentalist preacher.
When I was a junior in high school I was nominated for a special, national writing award. Our high school had 3,000 students so TWO students were nominated for the award from our school that year.
We had two topics to choose from for a timed essay. We did not know the topics previous to arriving to write our competition essay that morning. I don't remember the second choicebut like a some kind of crazy but earnest idiot I chose the topic of All in the Family (a show 111cthat was just in its first or second season on prime time television that year) and how it impacted or reflected society.
Of course I wrote that it was horrible. Which is ridiculous since I'd never even watched a single episode of the show. I only knew what was written about it in the papers or preached from the pulpit! I knew that the main character was a bigot. I was offended because news and magazine articles wrote as if he were the average republican church-goer. My father was very conservative politically and fell into the demographics the media claimed Archie portrayed. The whole idea of this upset me because I had NEVER heard my father say anything racist in my young life. I'd NEVER heard my father say anything unkind about those who disagreed with him. I resented that our family and beliefs were pigeonholed this way.
The writing that had resulted in my nomination for this award had always been humorous and wry. But, needless to say, my misguided essay that day did not get me into the finals. I was on a soapboxand worst of allI'd never seen the show so all my points were second-hand and most assuredly as inaccurate as Leslie Neilson's opinion of republican faith-based families like my own.
I only write this because on that day, I never would have believed that actor who made fun of men like my father each weekwould one day save my life.
I am pasting in portions of a message I wrote on Nancy O'Connor's message board. I don't have time to rewrite the messageand for some reason I feel compelled to share this today so forgive me if the tenses of the beginning of the posting and the second half don't coincide. Just know that both parts of this posting were written from the heart in hopes that they might one day help someone else or reach Nancy O'Connor so she knows what an impact their story had on other lives.
Ten years ago I had a nervous breakdown after 3 years in an intolerable work situation ( I couldn't afford to quit). I finally bit the bullet and went on disability. I'd sued my employer through fair employment and housing and won my complaintbut they appealed. After a long, grueling day of mediation I signed a settlement agreement I shouldn't have signed.
My main concern before entering the mediation was to procure as long a period of hospitalization coverage as possible so I could get better. But they refused to offer me more than one yearhowever they won the judge over by offering 3K to purchase a year of insurance after the year they offer ended.
At that point I was taking pills to get to sleep and at least two anti-depressants, an anti-anxiety med, and an anti-psychotic. Because I only had a $1 copay for meds at the timeI didn't realize how expensive the drugs I was taking actually cost (I'd NEVER taken any such meds before my employer decided to fire me). So, if I purchased an insurance policy as an individualmy drug benefit for the year would have been exhausted in less than two months.
For years I'd been angry with God that I had to be alive. I'd reached the point where I had planned how to end my life and when and where to do it. Then a segment on you and your husband ran on 20/20. I saw how hard your son's tragic death was for you both and realized I had deluded myself by convincing myself that my husband and family would be better off without me. I understood what a selfish act if would be to take my life.
For a year or two I hung in there. Then, when I didn't seem to be able to get back to being my old self again, I felt I just couldn't bear life anymore. I am a christian so I know heaven is better. And, as a protestant with two Bible college degrees I know from Bible study that Christ paid for ALL our sins-past, present, and future. There are NO sins that are unforgivenwe only spend eternity without Christ if we reject the gift of salvation. So, while God would grieve that I ended the life He gave meI knew my eternity with Him was secure and he would forgive my weakness.
Once again, I'd planned the when, where, and how. Then, like a miracle, as I lay in bed crying, ANOTHER segment about yo