"You're our first homo!" and anything and everything Benson says.

This message has been deleted.

A couple of one-liners:
Lawyer E. Ronald Mallu, to Jodie: "My father said to me once, Winning isn't everything but losing sucks!"
Chester to Dutch: "Have you heard from your brain lately?"

(The family thinks Chester is dead. At his funeral they all go around telling stories and saying a few words about him.)
The Major: This was a brave man. This was a courageous man. This was a man who always did more than his duty. He was right there to the very end. Never was there another man like him, never will there be another man like him. He was one of a kind. We shall never forget him. He was a leader of men. We have lost the best. His family, his friend, and the United States of America will never forget General Mike "Smilin' Bob" Hawkins.
Jessica: Daddy, General Hawkins didn't die. Chester died.
The Major: Oh. Good!
Reportin' live for Black TV: White folks are dead, we gettin' the f*@# outta here!

As I'm watching reruns, I have to say. There are at least 2 or 3 classic lines in every episode. Just watching the one where Tim goes to work for Burt and Danny's construction company, and comes in their office, covered in cement.
Burt: "How's everything?"
Tim: "Perfect. Great."
Burt: "No problems? Everything's ok?"
Tim: "Couldn't be better."
Burt: "Is that cement?"
Tim: "Oh, yeah, Burt, it's cement."
Burt: "Well.long as everything's ok"
Tim: "Fine."
Danny: "Tim, is that blood?"
Tim: "Where?"
Danny: "On your nose."
Tim: "Oh, yeah, it's blood. Little blood on my nose."
Burt; "Are you o.k.?"
Tim: "Great! Little cement. Little blood on my nose. Fine".

SO MANY good ones here, but one I always loved but didn't see mentioned..
When Burt would stick his thumb in his ears, wiggle his fingers, and go "WOO WOO WOO.Grandpa! to baby Wendy.

Danny had sex with a lady and afterward he said "I've committed inquest"
Bob: "So Danny tells me you're a family of negroes".

1. This was mentioned a couple of times, but was quoted incorrectly:
   Police Chief: He's a suspect. (Pointing to Benson)
   Chester: (Laughing) Why?
   Police Chief: For two reasons. Why, number one, because he's black.
   Benson: That's fair.
   Police Chief: The other reason is because he's the butler. We all know in many cases like this the butler did it.
   Mary: What?
   Polic Chief: Ya. Where do you think they get that expression? You think they just dreamed it up, "the butler did it." No, no. No, you're suspect number four.
   Later on:
   Police Chief: You too are a suspect. (Pointing to Jodie)
   Jodie: I can't wait to hear why.
   Police Chief: Because you're . . . a homo. (Gay wasn't being used back in the 70s)
   Benson: That's almost as good as my reason.
   Police Chief: Well, we all know homos do strange things. That they're homos to begin with makes them strange.
2. At dinner, after Eunice's friend Annie marries Chester, and Eunice is not happy:
   Jessica (to Annie): You looked lovely dear, in your wedding dress.
   Eunice: How could you tell? She was out of it in 10 seconds flat.
   Annie: What's the matter, Eunice, did I break your record?
   (Eunice starts strangling Annie with her hands)
   Jessica: No choking at the dinner table!

i read this whole thread, and no one mentioned one of the favorite lines in the whole run one that paid off on a storyline from two seasons earlier.
in the 3rd season, mary meets burt in a drugstore so he can explain to her that he has been abducted by aliens and replaced with a double. in the middle of his explanation, he disappears, having been beamed back up to the spaceship by the aliens. mary, having trouble believing her eyes, says in total shock:
"oh my god! burt??? oh, burt! i'm sorry! you CAN make yourself invisible!"
so well written. totally unexpected yet absolutely the perfect, most appropriate reaction for mary to have at that moment. and it's set up beautifully in the scene earlier, when mary thinking burt's alien abduction story is another mental break suggests he go back and see dr. medlow: "remember dr. medlow? he helped you when you were invisible. remember when you were invisible?" the initial callback was funny enough in itself, but really served to subtly set up the scene ending punchline for folks who wouldn't have remembered.
people are always talking up the multi-layered writing in "arrested development", pointing to all the jokes that are lost on all but the most dedicated viewers who have watched the episodes repeatedly on dvd. i wonder how many are aware that "soap" paved the way without being able to rely on viewers remembering anything that happened previously, as is expected of viewers nowadays.

went over all the responses and this one not mentioned. Mary giving birth, afraid the baby MAY be a silver alien being attended by a black nurse. bay born and Mary says THANK GOD ITS WHITE!!!

Jessica, after Mary tells her Jodie is going to be a father: "Dennis is pregnant?!"

Bob and El speaking with each other in Spanish
Chester: Well, what is he saying?
Chuck: I don't speak Spanish.
"I can unequivocally say I will not be running for national office in four years." - Obama, Nov '04

When Jessica told Inga Swenson off about Corrine.
"If I had a child I would be ship shaping around the world until I found that child. And it wouldn't take me 23 years HA!!" It was so cool to see Jessica like that because she was such an airhead, but she gave Inga hell & I think that's what showed Corrine that was her mother, not Inga.

When Benson tells Billy that God doesn't give black people pimpleshe just screws up their hair. Or when Billy is talking about his dirty magazine and tells Eunice someday he would like to touch one.

DEFINITELY, in the episode where Chester, The Major, Benson, and Donahue are preparing to go and rescue Billy from the "Sunnies." Jessica walks in and sees them in dark clothing and black face-paint.
gives Chester a disapproving glare "Chester, you are NOT a negro." I seriously thought I would die laughing..lmao