Dr. Michael Hfuhruhurr: Ladies and gentlemen, I can envision a day when the brains of brilliant men can be kept alive in the bodies of dumb people.
Dr. Michael Hfuhruhurr: [Dr. Hfuhruhurr has driven them to his house, where Ramon and the housekeeper are on the porch, smiling happily to welcome the bride] There it is, darling. Your new home. The House of Hfuhruhurr.
Dolores: What are those a$$holes doing on the porch?
Dr. Michael Hfuhruhurr: Those aren't a$$holes. It's pronounced 'azaleas'.
Dr. Michael Hfuhruhurr: You. You're the elevator killer. Merv Griffin.
Merv Griffin: Yeah.
Dr. Michael Hfuhruhurr: Why?
Merv Griffin: I don't know. I've always just loved to kill. I really enjoyed it. But then I got famous, and - it's just too hard for me. And so many witnesses. I mean, everybody recognized me. I couldn't even lurk anymore. I'd hear, "Who's that lurking over there? Isn't that Merv Griffin?" So I came to Europe to kill. And it's really worked out very well for me.
Drunk Test Policeman: Now, juggle these, do a tap dance, and sing the Catalina Magdalena Lupensteiner Wallabeiner song. Goddam, your drunk tests are hard!
Dr. Michael Hfuhruhurr: Goddam, your drunk tests are hard!
Dolores: The Complete Poems of John Lillison, England's greatest one-armed poet.
Dr. Michael Hfuhruhurr: He wrote 'In Dillman's Grove' and 'Pointy Birds.' O pointy birds, o pointy pointy, anoint my head, anointy-nointy.
Dr. Michael Hfuhruhurr: Get that cat out of here.

Where's my hat?
Lol'd so hard.

Dolores: By the way, I fired Ramon yesterday.
Hfuhruhurr: Why? Ramon is such a fine man.
Dolores: He came up behind me and grabbed my breasts.
Hfuhruhurr: What?! I haven't even done that yet!
Dolores: I know. I told him that.

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When are you scheduled to have your hands removed from your face?
Do you want your Tahiti Tickle flaming? No, that's for tourists.
You're the first.objectto get that right.
You still have your..brain.
Oh when Necessiter is taking him off to show him something, he tells Ann "Wait right here."
hahaha I hadn't seen this in years and my buddy kept telling me how funny it was and I need to watch it again. It's awesome - everything's funny!

Hfuhruhur "It causes your brain to die last!"
hor "Iy don't miynd!!"
http://OilVentures101.org

• The Definitive Resource on This Most Sage of Investments.

Someone asks Dr. Hfuhruhurr how he spells his name: "It's just like it sounds, H-F-U-H-R-U-H-U-R-R, Hfuhruhurr."
Necesseter meets Hfuhruhurr for the first time:
Necesseter: "Dr Mmmmfur?"
Hfuhruhurr: {looking annoyed}. "Close"
"Damn your drunk tests are hard!"
{after Hfuhruhurr and Dolores fight about the guy touching her buttocks for money}
Dolores: "You don't want me to have a career?!
Hfuhruhurr: "You call this a career?!"
Dolores: "What are those a^^holes doing on the front lawn?"
Hfuhruhurr: {chuckles} "It's pronounced azaelas"

its a tie between that and 'into the mud scum queen'. but i have to admit just randomly insertig the scum queen one into conversation is alot less harrowing than the gorilla one lol
if it wasn't for my horse, i wouldn't have spent that year in college

"These walls may look solid, but they're as thin as tissue paper!" love that line for some reason.
"Merv Griffin did not turn himself in. If you've seen him, please tell the theatre manager"
Classic Carl Reiner

After Steve has finally consumated his marriage with Kathleen Turner he says, "That was sooooo professional."
"Ladies and gentlelmen, I have suffered for my music, and now it's your turn" Neil Innes

The scene where Dr. Necissiter tells Steve Martin, "Won't be long till you hear her say 'Take me, Take me'" Then you see Steve Martin drooling LOL I crack every time. Not exactly dialogue, but there is a drool line.

These are all so great, this movie has some of the best lines. Though perhaps my favorite, which I don't think I saw mentioned:
Inspector: "You are playing God!"
Michael: "Somebody has to!"
Also, "Get that cat outta here!" and "Into the mud, scum queen!" are quotes that I like to incorporate into my daily life as much as possible.

You stole mine!
(whining) "I told them to take out the 'probably' "
"I hereby declare our marriage null and void! Ipso facto, coitus interuptus!"
The little girl in the beginning is amazing. She must have been reading but her timing is perfect!
I also love the part where he uses his hands as suction cups on the ledge but needs her spit to make it across!
There's so many great lines, reading all these posts makes me want to watch 'Dead Men Don't Wear Plaid' right now. Need to go see if there's a 'best lines' thread over there. (Don't forget your pajamas!)
Did you tell LUKE..? Is THAT who you could tell??

"Take out the 'probably', it makes me sound wishy-washy."

I love it when the good Dr. shocks the audience at the medical conference and they start to "Murmer". As they get louder, we realize they are actually saying "murmer". By the end of the scene, a few people have gotten to their feet and are SCREAMING: "MURMER! MURMER!!!"

"Into the mud, scum queen!" Greatest line ever.
"We're all part Shatner/And part James Dean/Part Warren Oates/And Steven McQueen"

I think the whole scene with the girl repeating back all the names and numbers is a scream. But my favorite line-
Dr. Brandon- Six weeks and you haven't even made love to your wife yet? No wonder you're tense.
Dr. Hfufrufurr- Dr. Brandon! The woman has just had major brain surgery! She's had ENOUGH unpleasantness!
I'm watching a taped TV version so I have just been finding out what some of the bleeped words were here.)

"Get that cat out of here"
"He was the first person to ever be hit by a car"
And the whole thing with the young girl after the accident

My all-time favorite line from this movie is when he pushes Kathleen Turner into the muck saying "Into the mud scum queen!"

I watched this one the other night and laughed HARD. I love the line that Anne says "I bet there's not a girl floating in any jar anywhere that's as happy as I am" or something like that. This is one of my absolute favorite movies of all time. Consistently hilarious.
"Hey, I should be mad at YOU . . . now turn around."-Bender/Futurama

LOL Monikawithak!!!
That's a great line from the movie.and if I heard you say it, I would know what you were talking about.
(unlike those other "un-fun" people who don't laugh when you say it!!!)
Some people just don't get it