From the OP:
Love the lines when Michael Caine talks about a message he sent a girlfriend
"Found A Virgin, it's Paradise..Yours, Matthew.." LMAO! Best ever! Still laugh my arse off over it! P.S Nobody plays a drunk better than Mr.Caine
Actually, he described in the first "aside" how he was transferred to a Pacific island, invited his girl to visit, and sent her a postcard every day, with a single word on each one She got them out of order, and never spoke to him again, but his original message was "Found a virgin paradise. It's yours, Matthew"
What a plan Two words swapped turned an intriguing message into a horrible 'burn'.
Matthew to housekeeper as he is leaving:
"And I've heard all I want out of you!" but she
NEVER
spoke
Just prior to saying that, the housekeeper had brought him a pair of sunglasses and the necklace Jennifer had given him. He took the sunglasses and looked at the necklace, prompting Karen to ask "What's that thing?" He turned it another time or two, showing the previously mentioned "one inch god with a two inch penis" no longer had a penis, and tossed it out the car the window, saying "It's nothing. Let's go."
Matthew (final aside):
"Victor got his divorce. Then he and his wife turned around and married each other again. Victor said it was so she could get the other half of everything he owned."
In the spirit of the "Unnecessary Censorship" segment on a certain late night TV show:
Jennifer (writing in her diary about her night on the beach with Matthew):
"I'll never forget the way he felt. I'll never forget the way we felt. Nothing's perfect though. It's going to take a month to get all the sand out of my $$$$$".
The word was "bellybutton". smile
of course it was

Walking on the beach:
Victor: "They're back together again; he had a thing with his secretary."
Matthew: "Looks like he brought his thing back home"

Arriving at the vacation house:
Victor: "Doesn't she ever speak?"
Eduardo Marquis: "Never. And it is a blessing."

During the Karen in bed crying scene, that whole line of dialog where a husband knows that whatever he says, he'll be wrong:
Matthew: "I'm sorry for what I did."
Karen: "You didn't do anything."
Matthew: "Alright, then, I'm sorry for what I didn't do. Whatever works here."

In Victor's office, to Matthew:
Victor: "You show me two people fighting and I'll show you lawyers flying lazy circles overhead"

Early on:
Victor: "Who packs not to go on vacation?" and "We did say Rio, right? What's the big attraction in Bahia?"
Matthew: "Not me, evidently!"

When Victor is looking over paperwork, circling things (probably conditions of the divorce from her lawyer) and he just gets fed up and slams the papers down. "LAWYERS!!"

[paraphrase]
"You want my daughter's hand in marriage? What are you gonna say? 'With this teething ring, I thee wed'?!"
Born when she kissed me, died when she left me, lived whilst she loved me

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I think this movie is absolutely hilarious!! One of my favorite lines:
Matthew "Does he speak?"
Nicky "He's a drummer."
Matthew "Can he beat out HELLO on the table?"
Gets me every time!!

-It's Brazilian. It's a different kind of wedding.
-I'll wait and catch the divorce.
-I can't do any kind of dancing where you use the body.
-Look! A shell!
-I'm twenty years older than you.
-Twenty-eight.
-T- t- t- twenty-five.
-Karen couldn't come. She's dead.
-She's not really dead!?!?
-Well, not in the sense that she's not alive.
-I love you no matter what you mother says about me.
-She doesn't say anything about you.
-Yeah but you can't always trust her.

"Look - a shell!!"

"Will you forget me?"
"The minute I die."
Academy Awards = the Creme de la Creme of Bull Sh*t

One of my favourites:
Matthew Hollis: It was, quite simply, the worst night of my life, my embarrassment compounded by the fact that Victor had now slept with two out of the three members of my family.
Prostitute: What the beep are you doing?
Johnny: I'm gonna kill a bunch of people.

i thought it was funny when bologna's character was talking to caine and he was lamenting over the fact his wife was trying to take half of everything in the divorce.
"half, that's what she wants, half! wish i had herpes!"
i don't care who you are, that's funny.

I love when Valerie Harper visits Jennifer in the hospital at the end and she starts to worry and says "Am I on any life support systems?" Valerie Harper answers "Believe me, there's not a plug in here worth pulling."

Matthew: "Jennifer, you had a very bad dream"
Jennifer: "that we were making love?"
Matthew: "probablyit didn't happen"
Jennifer: "i know, i was there when it didn't"
Demi Moore: "just be yourself dad, she'll get over you"
Victor: "we made a pact.."
Matthew: "what if there's no phone at the beach?"
Victor: "who said anything about a beach?"
Matthew: "in case it happenedhaPPENS on the beach"
(as he nervously and vigorously grates carrots)
orix lady: "you will need these candles..how young is the girl? half your age?"
Matthew: "more than half"
orix lady: "take the whole box"
Victor: "so uh how old is he, 18? 19?"
Jennifer:"older.."
Victor: "what 22?"
Jennifer: "43"
Victor: "43!! that's obscene!"
The entire script is hilarious

Themistocles67 said:
Call me an old romantic, but I love the "Will you forget me?" "The minute I die." line.

You're not alone. Gives me the warm fuzzies every time; very poignant. And no, I'm not being sarcastic. Love this movie.
Terence

"You're the one rock I can cling to. You're a rock."
"Not entirely, Victor. I mean, I'm not ALL rock."
LOL

^^^damn, that was a sweet line.
I agree with Steve that the "closeclose you bastard!" whenCaine's trying to escape is classic.

Call me an old romantic, but I love the "Will you forget me?" "The minute I die." line.

"She's dead!" One my favorites when he's in the sand.
"Good morningor not"
"I can't do any kind of dancing that involves moving my body."
"Her name is Isabelle, which must be portugese for perpetual motion"
"And you can forget my wife!"

Overall the whole movie was scripted with a great sense of humor and read with a great sense of timing. The character interaction flowed (despite some clumsiness on behalf of Johnson and Moore) and the exchanges were great, "try to picture them with clothes on." Joseph Bologna is an outstanding leach. "I didn't mean to be a bastard" should be on Hallmark cards.

"You are, how you say, a queer couple?"
"Odd odd couple"
and
"Close, close you bastard" - to be honest I love that whole scene where Matthew is trying to escape.

I'm no longer a carnivore. I don't eat anything that's ever had parents.

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"He doesn't speak, dad, he's a drummer."
"Well, then can he bang 'hello' on the table?"

When Matthew says "Oh, that poor daddy. You can't swing a dead cat around here without hitting a poor daddy."
I hurt myself laughing at that line
Hahahaha yerh that is brilliant.
It's always funny until someone gets hurt. Then it's just hilarious. Bill Hicks

When Matthew says "Oh, that poor daddy. You can't swing a dead cat around here without hitting a poor daddy."
I hurt myself laughing at that line