Can I borrow your towel for a sec? My car just hit a water buffalo.

Fletch watching the Laker's game and imagining himself playing basketball when the announcer says - "Fletch is actually six-five with an afro six-nine."

Doctor: Isn't there a children's book about an elephant named Babar?
Fletch: I wouldn't know I don't have any.
Doctor: What no children?
Fletch: No, elephant books.
Being checked out by Dr. Jelly finger. . . . "Moon River!"
Fletch: "Ahhh, you using the whole fist there Doc?"
Doc: Just relax. . . .
Doc: Later. . . Well Mr. Babar, I don't find anything wrong with you. . . ."
Fletch: Well, I'm sure it's not for a lack of looking. . . ."

Pathologist to Dr. Rosenpenis: "You ever seen a spleen that large?"
Fletch: "Noooooo, not since breakfast."
Fletch: "Hey, aren't you gonna read me my rights?"
Cop1 - You have the right to remain silent. You have the right to have your face kicked in by me.
Cop2 - You have the right to have your balls stomped by him.
Fletch - I'll waive my rights.
Desk Sergeant: What's the charge, gentlemen?
Cop 1: Possession of narcotics
Cop 2: Ahhh, the Chief wants to see him. . .
Desk Sergeant: Oh, he'll like Chief Karlin, he's a nice man. . .
Fletch: Oh yeah, I hear he's mellowed out a lot since he cam out of the closet. . . .
Desk Sergeant: "You'd better take his picture while he still has a face. . .
Fletch: "Why don't you two go down to the gym and pump each other"
Chief: Name?
Fletch: Fletch
Chief: Full name?
Fletch: Fletch, F. Fletch.
Chief: And what do you do for a living Mr. Fletch?
Fletch: I'm a Shepherd.
Chief Karlin: "Why are you doing this, Mr. Fletch?"
Fletch: "I like men. I like to be manhandled. I like you." Fletch winks at the Chief. . .
Fletch: You and Tommy Lasorda?
Chief: yeah!
Fletch: I hate Tommy Lasorda [and Fletch smashes the picture].
Fletch to his ex-wife's attorney, Arnold T. Pants: "Hey! I think our problems may just be solved. Ed McMahon. I think I just won a million bucks. Yeah, Irwin M. Fletcher you choose. Oh, boy, I lost. Yeah, sorry."
Fletch to his ex-wife's attorney Arnold: "That's $1000, apply the difference to next month. . . Keep $10 for yourself, go out and get yourself a nice piece of ass.
Fletch to Gail Stanwyk: "You know lobs are a very important part of the game. Sorry sir!"
Fletch: "Can I borrow your towel, my car just hit a water buffalo. . . ."
Gail outraged: : "Could you love someone who looks like that?"
Fletch: "5. . .10 minutes tops maybe .."
Fletch about what Gail is supposed to do for the next 24 hours: Act natural. . .
Gail Stanwyk: "Whoops? Whataya mean, whoops? Don't say whoops!"
Velma Stanwyk: Want to see the reception?
Fletch: No, thank you. I'm trying to quit.
Fletch: Oh, Madeleine, Freida lost the number for Alan's realtor in Provo Utah. Could you get me that real quick, please?
Madeleine: Jim Swarthout?
Fletch: Yeah [whistling]. . .
Madeleine: I'm sorry, who are you again?
Fletch: I'm Freida's boss.
Madeleine: Who's Freida?
Fletch: My secretary.

Fletch: "Well there we're in kind of a grey area.
Frank: "How grey?"
Fletch: "Charcoal. . . [shakes hand with foam cup like a nervous coffee drinker. . .].
Fletch; C'mon Frank, say yes. I'll buy you some new deodorant. . . .