"and don't call me Otto! To you I am Mr."
"And when he heard your daughter's name was Portia, he said: 'Why would they name her after a car?'"
I'm trying, Ringo. I'm trying real hard to be the shepherd.

Airline employee : Aisle or winddow, smoking or non?
Otto : What was the part in the middle?
Otto and Wanda found that jewels are not in the safe
Otto: okokDISAPPOINTED!!! What do you have to do in this world to make people trust you?!

Otto: "I like you Ken, you have wonderful bones, great eyes and you dress really interestingly. We could have some fun together you and I. May I kiss you Ken?"
Ken: "NO YOU beep CAN'T!!"
Otto: JUST A PECK?!?"
Wanda: now let me correct you on a few things otto, Aristotle was not Belgian, the central message of Buddism is not everyman for himself, and the London underground is not a political movement, those are all mistakes otto, i looked them up"
"What? The Curtains?"

I haven't seen the movie in a while, butone of my favorites are what Wendy says to Otto
"Not unless your congenitally insane or irretrievably stupid, no.. "
" Two languages in one head? No one can live at that speed "

One of my favorite lines is when Archie and Otto meet up in the airport:
Otto: What are you going to kill me like a dog? If you wanna fight me then lets fight like men. (throwing his fists up)
Archie: (dropping the gun and putting his fists up) I'll have you know I used to box for Oxford.
Otto: (circling around, picks up the gun) Oh yea, well I used to kill for the CIA

Otto: You know what your problem is? You don't like winners.
Archie: Winners, likeNorth Vietnam?
Otto: We did not lose Vietnam! It was a tie!
Archie: (exaggerated American accent) Oh, I'm tellin' you boy they kicked yer little arse thereBOY they whupped yer hide REAL GOOD!
Otto: No they didn't.
Archie: Oh yes they did.
Otto: No they didn't.
Archie: OH yes THEY DID!
Otto: OH NO THEY DIDSHUT UP!
Lemon curry?!

"ew! Avoid the green ones. They aren't ripe yet."
"The London Underground is not a political movement"
"Winners, like.North Vietnam?"
Those were the best
"For years I thought the club's name was Partick Thistle nil" Billy Connelly

This message has been deleted.

"Not you Ken. You have a beautiful speaking voice. When it works."

how could I forget.
"They get rigormortis in the prime of life.standing there with their hair allclenched"

has anyone mentioned these yet?
"Hello, Ka Ka Ka Ken's Pa Pa Pa Pets! Wake up, limey fish!!!"
"He's going to kill herAHAHAHA!"
"It's a buddhist mediiation techniquethe monks used to do it before they went into battle"
"When we're saying friendly, what do we mean here.cordial?.supportive?"
"The English contribution to world cuisinethe chip"
ahhh, so many more, too.

I'm very very sssFUUUUU%CK YOU!

Otto: "Here comes K-K-Ken c-c-coming to k-k-kill me!

Brits, Scots and Welsh? The Scots and Welsh ARE British.
Good call
All Otto related, of course!
"They get rigor mortis in the prime of life in this country!"
"She's a very sexy girl! Go ahead! PORK AWAY, PAL!"
(To Archie, as he lies unconscious after Otto has knocked him out thinking he's a robber)"How could I know it was you? I mean, how could you expect me to guess? You stoopid beep I mean what the hell are you doing, ROBBING YOUR OWN HOUSE!! YOU AHOLE!! YOU STOOPID STOOPID AHOLE!!! {Kicking Archie's body} Oops I'm sorry, I'm sorry!! Um yeah." (Races from the scene)
(To Archie again, holding a gun to his nose) "I'm sorry I dangled you from the window, it was not a nice thing to do!"
"Oh no .. you will find that it is YOU who are mistaken, about a great many things!"

"any american and canadian etc etc ppl will hafta research ITV, a channel we brits, scots and welsh have"
Brits, Scots and Welsh? The Scots and Welsh ARE British.
Of course they've brought forth juniper berries, they're juniper bushes!

You pompous, stuck-up, giant, English, snotnosed, twerp, scumbag, beep dickhead beep

Yeah. "
SOMEBODY
JUST CALLED!" Hee Hee Hee.
Kat
When was the last time you heard these exact words: You are the sunshine of my life?

Wanda's fake phone conversation
Wanda: Oh my god. OH MY GOD! (hangs up dramatically) KEN! SOMEBODY JUST CALLED!

Oh man, there are soooooooo many!
"Tell those two pigs to [beep] off."
"[beep] off, pigs."
"To call you stupid would be an insult to stupid people!" (I have used that line in real life!)
"I'm so sorry about my brother. I know he's insensitive. He's had a hard life. Dad used to beat him up."
"Good."
{After Otto fires into the safe)
"What are you doing?"
"I'm thinking!"
"I've lost my stutter. It's gone. How much wood can a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck can chuck wood."
(After Otto knocks Archie out)
"I'm sorry. Hey, wake up. I'm sorry. I was trying to help. I mean, how was I supposed to know it was you? I mean, what the [beep] were you doing robbing your own house? (Starts kicking Archie) Stupid! Stupid! Stupid! I'm sorry!"
Of course, "Don't call me stupid."
Hee hee. [laughs]
Kat
When was the last time you heard these exact words: You are the sunshine of my life?

This message has been deleted.

His wife is the best.
"Oh now this is cracked!"
"Do shut up Portia."
Our garden back home is full of snails. We tried everything. We never thought of a Frenchman!

I do love Kevin Kline's Italian sentences which are not connected at all and seem as if they are taken straight out of a phrase book.
Also, talking about Curtis' breasts, he says something like "i due cuppolo de la catedrale di Milano!"
(My apologies to anyone who actually speaks Italian, for my not being able to write it in any other way than phonetically!]

Archie (in court): "WANDA!! I mean..I wonder"
Later (sees wife in stands): "WENDY!! I meanwhen didyou"
And even later (when Wanda, testifying under Archie's cross-examination, goes and sticks knife in back of poor George): "DARLING!!"
After all the ensuing pandemonium inside the courtroom, Wendy comes up to Archie and says: "YOU CAN STICK THIS MARRIAGE UP YOUR BOTTOM".
So many such gems throughout this movie. And my favourite scene:
Following first encounter with Wanda, Archie drives off in his Jaguar with stars in his eyes and briefcase still on roof of car.

all time favorite quote from this movie?..simple..
[says to a group of punks]
beep off, or i'll kill you.. LIMEY FRUITS!"
.
"Has anyone ever buried a person up there?"