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"Why don't you tie your shoes before you fall on your stupid head."
"Don't flake on me, man, they're vampires, send em' to hell."

Rafe Guttman

My favorite is the outtake at the end when Walter is in the bathtub and says: "If I knew there was going to be a nude scene, I'd have asked for another million"

During the outakes when Max rings Ariels doorbell and goes= "Oh hello I`m Ronald Reagan I live across the street. I used to be president of the United StatesI was also a bad actor" lmao!!!

Wandering around talking to the trees.
facial

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"Kidscan't live with 'em, can't shoot 'em."

Max: Oh I don`t want anything to do with her. See women fall to hard for me, they got obsessed with me. Like one of those fatal attaractions you see on the Donohue Show.

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WEATHERMAN: Is it cold enough out there for you? Brrr! Brrr!
MAX: Oh, shut up, fat ass!
LOVE IT!!! My FAVE
Hey Laser Lips Yo Momma Was A Snow Blower - Johnny 5

I tell you Burgress Meredith got the best lines in this movie. Everything he says he kills me with laughter. After he said this I nearly die with laughter
Grandpa: (refering to the weather) Colder than a witch's titty out there, isn't it?
Everytime when it gets cold as b***h, I always say the same thing and everybody cracks up.
Grandpa: Colder than a witches titty out here, isn't it?
Mr. Herilty: Hell Yes!
Darielle

There is one line that makes me laugh out loud every time I hear it.
WEATHERMAN: Is it cold enough out there for you? Brrr! Brrr!
MAX: Oh, shut up, fat ass!
Christopher Penn: 1965 - 2006
Rest in peace, Nice Guy Eddie.

I'd go along with that. Walter Matthau's expression as he smells the fish had me crying with laughter.
"The bigger the cushion, the sweeter the pushin'" - Spinal Tap

The expressions on Matthau's face when he first smells the fish in the car's back seat are priceless.
(smelling himself)
Peee-uuu, what the hell is that smell??!!
Sometimes things are right there, you just don't know it right away

John Gustafson: Hey, did you hear about Eddie Hicks?
Max Goldman: Hypothermia's a bitch-not quick like a stroke.
John Gustafson: A stroke is no damn good! You could end up like a vegetable. Gimme a cardiac any day.
Max Goldman (to Snyder): Mr. John Gustafson? You mean the, ah, low-life, ass wipe, egg sucker, John Gustafson? The man's crazy, loco, always hanging around those kinky strip bars. You know, the ones where the men take their clothes off. That's course, if he's taken his medication.
Snyder: Medication?
Max Goldman: Yes. Without it, he could be anywhere, wanderin' around, talkin' to the trees. I'm tellin' ya, this man is a menace! He's always drinkin', startin' fights. Isn't that right?
Grandpa Gustafson: Hey! Drop that fish!
Max Goldman: Mr Gustafson.
Grandpa Gustafson: Don't make me have to separate you two again, dammit! Now go to your shanties, all of ya-you're scarin' the fish away. Damn kids! Kids! Can't live with 'um, can't shoot 'um.
Max Goldman: "Mind your business, will ya", "Mind your own business". Why don't you tie your shoelace. You'll fall on your stupid head! We're havin' a heatwave, here. (Sings)We're havin' a heatwave, a tropical heatwave.
Max Goldman: Dirty rat! I'll show him! Pickin' on people!
Max Goldman: Schmuck doesn't know what's happening.
Jacob: You're a child.
Max: Don't tell me, Jacob. It isn't me.
Jacob: Oh, it never is. No, I'm sure John started every fight since 1940.
Max: '38.
Jacob: It's ridiculous.
John: Wait a minute, you mean, you and she-?
Chuck: I am not talkin' about sex, you dummies!
John: No?
Chuck: 'Course not.
Max: Tell me something, Chuck. Do I stink?
John: Yeah!
Max: Not you, smartass, didn't ask you!
The Burgess Meredith aftertakes.
Max (this a blooper from the aftertakes): Don't shout at me!
John: I'm not shouting!
Max: Bust my tukus to get down here on New Year's Eveor, Christmas, or whatever the @%&# it is!"

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Grand Pa Gustafson, "Damn Kids".

Melanie: Come on Dad. You're a handsome eligable guy. You've got a lot to offer.
Grandpa: Well I got somethin to offer her! Bow wow yow!
hehe i like that one

Walter Matthau in a deleted scene (sitting in a bathtub) that appear after the end credits:
"If I knew there was going to be a nude scene in this film, I would've asked for another million."

I always thought Walter Matthau's first line in the movie was funny.
John (Jack Lemmon) ends up on Max's (Matthau's) doorstep, and Max opens the door and says bluntly, "G'morning d!ckhead!"

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.oh, this one is a family buzzword for us! we love it!
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"Ooh!Pass the popcorn! This is gonna be good!"

do the world a favourpull your lip over your head and swallow