Your partner has a baby and they pass it to you
"Get that thing away from me"
It's what goodspeed says when the other tech guy passes him the very large needle to stick into his heart at the start of the movie.

Waiting in line for the bathroom:
"I already dropped them!"

Bump, come on guys before they shut down the message boards~

13. A date goes well and the girl says he had a great time;
    You unbutton your pants "Offer to take these off, as a gesture of your good faith"
14. Your wasted out of your mind and driving and get pulled over. Officer asks if you have been drinking.
    You reply "Ur on a need to know basis, and you dont need to know"
15. You go down on a girl for the first time and she says she had a good time,
    You reply "My jaw really hurts"
16. Gf says she has a headache and doesn't wanna have sex.
    You reply "hows ur bowling arm?"
17. Your gf tries Call of duty Multiplayer for the first time and joins your clan. She's excited.
    With a serious face you look at her and say, "U compromise any of my men, I'll bury you out there"
18. GF wants you to find her clit
    You reply "I havent got my reading glasses"
19. Your toddler nephew jumps on your back and you flip him over and unto a table. Everyone gasps.
    You say "U must never hesitate"
20. In the middle of a major final exam and ur sweating bolts. Ur teacher asks if you're okay.
    You reply, "I'm perfectly fine, you beep idiot!"
21. Your friend is celebrating his birthday and everyone gives a heartwarming toast. It's ur turn and you say "Personally, I think ur a beep idiot"
22. You're speaking at a rally for veterans with combat wounds. You get up to speak and say the following "Patriotism is the virtue of the vicious", drop the mic and leave.
23. Ur wife comes home and asks, "where are the kids?"
    You reply "I destroyed them"
24. Ur mom says "go call ur sister down for dinner"
    You scream very loudly "I CANNOT GIVE THAT ORDER"
25. Your wife is excited and tells u she's pregnant.
    U reply "God knows I didnt want this"
26. Ur grandma asks when u would like to receive ur bday present.
    U reply "While I got a little lead left in my pencil"

Oh, and I'll do one from the girlfriend's point of view.
11. Asking your new boyfriend if he's a virgin.
"Have you ever been in a sexual situation?"
"Define 'sex', babe."
"An incursion underwater to re-take a pregnable fortress held by an elite team of US Marines, in possession of eighty-one hostages and fifteen guided rockets loaded with VX poison gas."
"Oh, in that case, no."
12. Meeting Michael J Fox for the first time.
"Is THAT normal?"
"What? My feet thing?"
"Yes! Your 'feet thing'!"
"Eh, it happens."
"Well, I'm having a hard time concentrating. Can you do something about it?"
"What, like take my medication again? Didn't you see what happened in the promo I did?"
"WHY DON'T YOU CUT ME SOME FRIGGIN SLACK?!"

1. You're gf takes her top off for the first time:
   "I want 16 of these major!"
   What happens if one of her 16 titties falls off and VX gas goes everywhere?

I'll try it.
10. Ordering at the drive thru with your friends.
"Frank, we've spilled the same blood in the same mud. You know goddamn well I can't make that order."
"I WILL NOT REPEAT MY ORDER!"
"I CANNOT MAKE THAT ORDER!"
"Goddammit, one last time: you speak into that intercom and order me a frosty."
"I WILL NOT MAKE THAT ORDER!"
"WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU MAN?!"
"Would you like fries with that order?"
"STAND FAST"
caught up in the tense situation, you accidentally put your foot on the gas and rear-end the car in front of you, which happens to be a ferrari
"Dude, you just fcked up that ferrari!"
"Well, at least it wasn't mine."
I think I may have gone a bit too far in a few places.

Number five was really funny!

That was perfect!