Love is not only blind, but stupid.

"It's a sinkhole Al, it's where you throw old, useless things you don't want anymore."
"You heard her Peg, get in!"

"I like a man who's on top of things."
"And I like a woman with things on top."

There was a line I vaguely recall, where Marcy said that if Jefferson ever cheated on her, she would do things to him that would make Lorena Bobbitt toss her cookies. Anyone remember that?

Loved that line about tightening nuts.
How about when Al gets glasses and he notices the gal that's been talking to him at the mall in front of the shoe store.
"Today I got a good look at her. And you know something? She was Forty! Forty! She's not a girl." (Winces-then almost disgusted) "She's a woman."
When Al and Jefferson are trying to do home repairs. Al's holding a drill to a board which Jefferson is holding against his chest.
Marcy: You can almost hear the theme to Looney Tunes.

Al to peggy- gonna get me a big boy socket wrench set, it will be great im gonna go round this house and tighten more nuts than you did in high school!
Al's face after he delivers that line is priceless just looking at her trying not to crack up!

Even though I generally dislike the drawn-out episodes where Al & Peg go to marriage counseling, I lose it when Al snaps: "Just a minute, Dr. Skip-To-M-Lou!"
I'd say this cloud is Cumulo Nimbus.
Didn't he discover America?
Penfold, shush.

Carlos (to Kelly): Your father is a wise man. He reeks of wisdom.and of something else I cannot identify!
Al: There are two young, eager boys hanging around us. You know what that makes us?
Griff: Michael Jackson???

It's a mediocre episode, but the one where they're out prospecting and get gold fever has one silly/random line that really cracks me up, when Al appears and says "I killed a squirrel for looking at my gold!".

Peggy: How come you never take me to the beach?
Al: What for? You'd still find your way home!
Kid: Hey, are you one of those dinosaurs that spits?
Al: No.
Kid: Well I am!
Peggy: What are you doing up at this hour, Al?
Al: That damn Marcy got me so nervous that I can't sleep.
Peggy: I know a way to make you sleep.
Al: Thanks Peg. Now I can't eat!
If a cow says Moo, does a Moo say cow?
Al (as the Phantom of the Opera): I'll just sit here and play with my organ!

So many great lines, one that comes to mind is when Kelly was a girl I haven't seen it in a while but it went somthing like this:
There is a strom coming to chic-a-go
Chicago!
(sounding scared) oh no theres a strom comming to us?! whats a strom?
Storm!!
Winds up to 30 mouffs
Thats miles per hour you idiot!
I'm not an idiot I happen to be a meter-la-law-a-ist
Anyways strung cluads are forming
Clouds! strung cloulds!

the ma'am gang buying things @ the just store
*just oreo filling (Jefferson )
BHT RISES myspace.com/blackheart60

Any of Al's a fat woman came in the shoe store lines like
A fat woman came in the shoe store and said I need something to make me look smaller I said how about China.
or Kelly applying for the job in the diner
owner: what makes you think you have what it takes to be a burger waitress let me see your application, it's blank, Ya you have what it takes to be a burger waitress.

When Al is sarcastically berating Peggy for what he could have been:
Al: "Well gee Peg, if I hadn't met you I would have lived out a meaningless existence ordering hookers & pizza till I dropped dead.
With a slice in my mouth & a greasy hooter in my hand!"
I'd say this cloud is Cumulo Nimbus.
Didn't he discover America?
Penfold, shush.

There are so many. I am watching it now and it's the episode Marcy crashes Steve's Mercedes and is hiding with Al and Peggy. Steve just finds out the damage and is in the garage screaming and she says that she'll just make love to steve for a week and he'll forget all about it. Peggy grabs Al's hand and they look at each other and she says, "The last time Al and I spent a week in the bedroom, was when we were hiding from the kids because we forgot about christmas." Then they started to giggle. OMG I died.
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OMG I LOVE that one, gridoon! I laugh so hard every single time, and its one of the lines of Al's that I use in real life.
I'd say this cloud is Cumulo Nimbus.
Didn't he discover America?
Penfold, shush.

Peggy: "Who would you rather spend a night with, a) your wife, or b)
Al (instantly): b!

(The episode
Kelly Breaks Out
where Al and Jefferson order VHS tapes of The Avengers. Al is waxing poetic on Emma Peel's outfit and her high kicks.)
Al: "We have to order this! To the phones!"
Bud: "Has it occurred to either of you rutabagas that the woman may be pushing 200 by now? Pounds and years."
Al: "That's why you look at them on tape, son. If I only had to look at your mother on tape, I'd still be having sex with her."

Peg, the kids are upstairs. If you want sex, they'll have to leave. And if you want it to be good,
you
'll have to leave!

From It's A Bundyful Life:
Kelly:
I just wanted to tell you I just got a call from the doctor and um, I'm dying. Yep, I've got Bulgaria. The doctor says that it's terminus.
Licking doorknobs is illegal on other planets

"Hey, Jefferson, don't look now, but something followed you home from El Pollo Loco." (halfway through Ed looks like he's trying not to laugh at it)

This message has been deleted.

Bud: "We got everything you wanted from the store, bourbon-flavored bon-bons romance novels Kenny G CD"
Kelly: "You and Dad are gonna have quite a time tonight, huh?"
Bud: " batteries"

I can think of so many, but I'm going to pick a favorite that doesn't get mentioned that much (or at all). In "Hood 'n the Boyz" when Al goes to help his childhood sweetheart with her problem
Al: "Say little girl, you look familiar. Uh, you wouldn't happen to be Mary Ellen's daughter by any chance?"
Jackie: "Me? Nah. I'm Jackie. Her niece."
Al (in his head): "Yes! I knew it! My dream girl is still untouched."
Jackie: "All of aunt Mary's kids are grown."
Al (in his head): "Ah well, what did you expect? Same little virgin you used to walk to school So someone else touched her, what difference does it make? Damn slut."
Mary Ellen: "Hi, Al."
Al: "Oh, Mary Ellen! Well, y-you don't look like a slut at all."
This one makes me laugh every time (probably rings true for some of us).
Hey there, Johnny Boy, I hope you fry!