When John Barrymore met Laird Cregar, Cregar introduced him to his mother. Barrymore looked Cregar up and down and said "It must have been a really big ****!"
Apparently Barrymore admired Cregar's acting though.

A favorite story of Judy Garland was one she had heard about Barrymore and another actor playing Hamlet.
This actor was homosexual and when Barrymore heard about it he said [paraphrasing] "Why that pansy! Hamlet is supposed to be all man. When he walks out on the stage you should be able to hear his balls clank!"
I wonder if Barrymore was referring to John Gielgud or Maurice Evans. Both played Hamlet during his lifetime and both were gay. Barrymore did send a telegram of congratulations when Gielgud opened in New York in 1936 [the same time Leslie Howard opened in his interpretation].

"Love is the delightful interval between meeting a beautiful girl and discovering that she looks like a haddock." - John Barrymore

One of my favorite Barrymore stories was told by Harpo Marx in his autobiography. Barrymore was invited to a party at Harpo's by some friends of Barrymore. Harpo was warned not to avoid drinking as it would make Barrymore self-conscious. Harpo wasn't much of a drinker. Barrymore managed to 1908swipe two drinks without Harpo noticing.
Harpo then noticed that Barrymore was perspiring and asked him to take off his coat. Barrymore responded with;
"My dear Mr. Marx, sweating is the gift of providence. It saves me the trouble of p i s s i n g."

When Barrymore was drunk he unintentionally snubbed Myrna Loy. He apologized later by saying, "There were three of you and I didn't know which one to bow to!"

"America is the country where you buy a lifetime supply of aspirin for one dollar, and use it up in two weeks." - John Barrymore

"The Trouble with life is that there are so many beautiful women and not enough time." - John Barrymore
Which is all too true.

A favorite story of mine is of a time when actress Jane Cowl fainted during John Barrymore's performance in JUSTICE [around 1916]. Someone told Barrymore that Cowl was in the front row on another night. Barrymore said, "I do hope she'll give a good performance."