Arrow reviews (Hilarious)
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Archived from the IMDb Discussion Forums — Teenage Caveman
junior_you_bastard — 20 years ago(February 21, 2006 01:23 PM)
After watching infamous director Larry Clarks "Teenage Caveman" I couldnt hold it in anymore. I BE PISSED OFF! Shirtless and sporting my underwear (I am going to talk to Larry Clark after all), I reached for the phone and dialed the dude up. It rang and
Larry: Pizza Hut, Larry Clark speaking. Arrow: Whats wrong with you man? Larry: Pardon me? Arrow: Whats wrong with you???? Larry: Who is this? Arrow: This is Arrow from Arrow in the Head tough guy! Larry: Oh, beep me! Arrow: You got that right, buddy! beep you indeed! Larry: Look, I dont Arrow: SHUT THE beep Larry: {silence]
Arrow: This is for your own good Larry. First off, I should let you know that Ive never been a fan of your voyeuristic, teeny porn type of films that pose as art. You started with "Kids" and although I do think it's one of the more efficient safe sex cautionary tales on the block, its still exploitive, pedophiliac-like smut. Then, there was "Another Day in Paradise" which was bearable mostly due to Jimmy Woodss classy presence. And then there was "Bully". A note on Bully: why you turned a flick about teens killing an abusive homie into an ode to crotch shots and boners is still beyond me. And now theres your new limp effort: "Teenage Caveman"a supposed horror movie. You wanna know what my main problem with your approach to this mastercrap is?
Larry: Ummmnot reallyI have pizzas to deliver
Arrow: Well, you're gonna hear it anyway, dough boy!! Youre becoming soooo redundant dude, its not even funny! This pseudo-horror mess is freaking "Kids" all over again, but with a sci-fi twist. Teens defy authority; teens explore their sexuality in whorish ways and eventually get infected through it. You wanna know why that doesnt work for my stupid ass?
Larry: Why?
Arrow: Because this is a horror film!!!! Now dont get me wrong, Im all for a metaphors in a genre offering, but it's obvious to me that youre just using them to quench your own self-indulgent sexual perversions and NOT to deliver a social message. DudeI couldnt care less about a 10-minute hand held camera shot of teens having a dirty orgy! I want some thrills, chills and scares! Ever heard of that stuff? Where are the real goods?
Larry: I do show some horror in the picture. What about the gore or the conclusion with the transformations?
Arrow: Granted, the gore is pretty slick. But if you put sugar on beep and then eat itit's still gonna taste like beep As for the conclusion, you call that horror? I call that a poorly written, shot and handled piece of generic fluff that serves as a lame excuse for the hour and half display of TRASH you slapped in before it. You cant fool me!
Larry: I had to put all the sex and nudity in; did you see the script Christos N. Gage had me work with? My god!
Arrow: It's called re-writes, tough guy! Look into that, its under R! Theres no excuse for the shoddy dialogue, the lack of explanations (like what happened to the old world again?) and the dumb ass plot turns that are in this puke.
Larry: But we
Arrow: What kind of director are you, man? Will every project youll ever tackle wind up being a catharsis for your sexual deviances??? Enough already! Ive had it! Were the hard dick shots, the close ups of mens asses as they slipped off their underwear, the multitude of sex scenes with your lens fondling and relishing every single micro-second of it REALLY necessary? Get laid already and start directing REAL films, dude! Youre played out and this whole teen sex thang got old after "Kids"!
Larry: Im sorry you feel that way
Arrow: Im sorry I had to sit through this garbage! Damn you, Larry! Damn you to TV MOVIE hell! If it wasnt for Richard Hillman keeping me awake with his enthusiastic over-the-top delight of a performance, I wouldve flushed this DVD down my toilet along with all your other wannabee films!
Larry: Yeah, Richard was great, his ass is so
Arrow: NO MORE LARRY! NO MORE I SAY!!! You're no messiah! You're a movie of the week! You're a beep t-shirtat best. AT BEST!
Larry: That line is from "Kiss the Girls", right?
Arrow: ARRRRRGH! "Se7en", man"Se7en"!! I give up on you duder; I will never watch a movie with your name on it ever again. Youre a waste and I thought you should know that.
Larry: Youre a beep beep Arrow.
Arrow: YOU BET I AM! But Id rather be an beep than a major sicko who's still allowed to direct for some odd beep reason. Im done with you LarryIll end with a heartfeltKISS MY GRITS and STAY AWAY FROM THE GENRE FOR THE LOVE OF GOOD HORROR!
I hung up in his face right there, took a shower (I felt dirty) and slapped "Black Christmas" in my DVD player to remind me what the genre is really all about. On with the review!
for more review by arrow visit www.joblo.com/arrow
the man's a genius -
carcinogen — 19 years ago(June 19, 2006 01:18 PM)
That was really not funny.
I'm guessing you are this arrow guy? If not I don't see how you could possibly find this review funny. I mean, maybe I understand if you wrote that and are really proud of it, but if you read that and thought, "OTHERS MUST SEE THIS JOURNALISTIC MASTERPIECE!" I feel really sorry for you. -
VinnieAKAPopsMatchoman — 19 years ago(July 05, 2006 10:45 AM)
That was pretty funny. I love The Arrow's website, joblo.com/arrow