100 THINGS I'VE LEARNED FROM u00c0 l'intérieur *MASSIVE SPOILERS*
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SecretReagent — 16 years ago(August 14, 2009 10:17 PM)
- smashing a bathroom mirror with your hand will cause absolutely no damage to your hand.
- instead of immediately calling an ambulance when you find a pregnant woman all cut up and bloody, ask if she has any bandages handy.
- the location of the circuit breaker is something that needs to be discussed.
- don't call for backup - just take the perp along with you.
- when a cop tells you to arrest someone, just casually put one of their arms behind their back.
- french cops don't carry handcuffs.
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menstruationeater — 16 years ago(August 22, 2009 05:55 AM)
- Old nurses are beep
- If someone sprays flammable gas in your face while you take a cigarette, causing the gas to ignite in your face, do NOT back away, just sit there and scream while the flames torches your face.
- Any scene that contains a heroine making a weapon out of household-objects, MUST have a Rambo-closeup and macho music in the background.
- "Its a beep war zone."
"Just your friendly neighborhood Turtle-man" - Raphael
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mfcoder-imdb — 16 years ago(August 23, 2009 04:30 AM)
- Young French couples who are pregnant will never introduce their parents to each other. This helps add to the confusion if a psycho calls in the night.
- Pregnant French women lose the ability to identify their own mother's voice, and err on the side of "knifing the jugular" when saying 'hi mom'.
- If you have been attacked by a nut-job, it's best to pant heavily at the police rather than explain who is attacking you (not to worry though, the police will do their darnedest to sacrifice themselves anyway).
- If you're unsure whether there's a psycho loose in your house, it's best to go back to the bedroom for a quick nap rather than get the hell out of there at the first opportunity. Make sure you don't go back to a lockable room.
- When presented with a perfectly usable weapon with which to ensure your safety (e.g. a loaded gun) it's best to forsake that in favour of your teeth. Also, don't pick up that loaded gun at any stage in the future. Best to leave it just lying there. It looks heavy.
- When a French policeman has suffered severe head trauma, make sure to finish him off. Decapitation is probably best. If not, he's bound to wake up, blind, yet more electrically proficient than prior to his injury (like an electrical sauvant) fix the lights, then try to beat you to death. They're just like that, so beware.
- In your own home, you'll find nothing useful to use as a weapon, but a deranged stranger will happen upon weapons like it's a home defence store.
- If you do make it to the kitchen, where typically there are so many deadly objects you're spoilt for choice, fashion a rambo-esque spear. Don't tool yourself up with every big knife, cleaver, and heavy object you can find.
- If you finally corner your nemesis, stop for a quick chat. They probably have 'issues' they want to work out with you.
- Child-birth is fatal.
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ratibida69-1 — 16 years ago(September 06, 2009 09:54 AM)
32A. When a strange and threatening person comes knocking on your door, scaring you enough to call the police, simply go back to your bedroom after the police have left and go to sleep. DO NOT under any circumstances lock the door to the bedroom and absolutely DO NOT sleep with your cell phone, either in your hand or in a pocket, in case you have to quickly call the police back. Which leads to 32B.
32B. Don't waste your time or money with cell phones. Whenever you really need one to make an emergency call, you will find that you left it in the room from which you were just fleeing so that the evil person can easily find it and destroy it.
33. When you realize that the strange woman you've been talking to in your friend's home has been impersonating your friend's mother AND when you also realize that the strange woman is the subject of photographs that your friend took and wants you to investigate, do this: turn your back on the woman and climb halfway up the stairs to the second floor so that she can quietly climb up after you and kill you when you are at your most defenseless (with your back turned to her).
34. When you are chained to a policeman who has just been brutally killed by a psychopath, simply cower in fear and quietly whimper while the psychopath lifts up a pair of scissors, slowly raises them over her head, and then plunges them into your forehead. Do not, at any time, make an attempt, no matter how desperate, to save your life. It's much better to let someone kill you without putting up a fight than to risk saving your life or, at least, making it difficult for that person to kill you.
35. When there is a menacing person, either outside your front door or inside your home, leave the house as dark as you possibly can so that it is difficult to keep tabs on the whereabouts of that person.
36. Related to No. 35 above, but distinct from it: never turn on the lights in a house with a threatening stranger in it. Instead, walk around with a flashlight so that the stranger can easily see YOUR whereabouts even though you can't see his or her whereabouts.
37. In France, when three policemen who are taking a suspect to the police station, fail to show up, the French protocol is to do absolutely nothing until at least several hours after the policemen were scheduled to show up at the station.
38. In France, in the year 2007, photographers still use film cameras, not digital cameras. Which leads to No. 39.
39. When threatened by a spooky woman who scares you enough into calling the police. Do not leave the house to go stay with friends or family. Instead, take the woman's picture using a film camera, then go to your home darkroom and develop the roll of film and make photographic prints.
40. When breaking a mirror in order to create shards of glass to use as a weapon, both break the mirror AND hold the broken glass with your bare hands. Do not use a towel, a wash cloth, tissues, or toilet paper to protect your hands, even though these things will provide a great measure of protection and are commonly found in bathrooms (where the mirror you broke is located).
41. France has huge numbers of police and the police do everything in 3's. When a woman calls about a possible prowler, 3 police staffers are sent to investigate. And when the police arrest a teenage rioter, it takes 3 policemen to take him to the station. In spite of so many police men and women, the French police cannot manage to protect a pregnant woman from a lone psychopathic prowler armed, at various times, only with scissors or a long sewing needle.
42. In France, it is customary for young pregnant widows, whose husbands died 3 months before the scheduled birth of the baby, to be completely alone during the time period when the baby is due to be born. This is because the sense of family, camaraderie, and community is not very strongly developed in France.
43. When you mistake your own mom for the psychopath and you accidentally kill her, just stand there in shock until the psychopath comes back and you have to lock yourself back up in the bathroom. Do not quickly compose yourself and check your mom's pockets, or her purse, to see if she has a cell phone. -
scyza — 16 years ago(September 10, 2009 12:51 PM)
- If you want the baby of the woman who caused the death of your own unborn baby, sneak into her house at night and attempt to cut it out of her alive. Don't forget to brutally slaughter everyone who stands in your way. Even though it would have been much easier to wait until the baby was born, THEN sneak into the house and just steal the baby.
- If you're locked into a room with a psychopathic killer waiting outside, take the first opportunity to put your bare arm through a hole in the door.
- Apparently, Scissors, Needles and various other household objects can with ease be rammed through bone, wooden doors, walls and whatever else you might want to use them on. This requires virtually no physical effort.
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onesunday — 16 years ago(December 24, 2009 12:01 AM)
"41. France has huge numbers of police and the police do everything in 3's. When a woman calls about a possible prowler, 3 police staffers are sent to investigate. And when the police arrest a teenage rioter, it takes 3 policemen to take him to the station. In spite of so many police men and women, the French police cannot manage to protect a pregnant woman from a lone psychopathic prowler armed, at various times, only with scissors or a long sewing needle."
I hadn't noticed that. But Sarah was in the car at the time with Matthew and the baby - another instance of something in 3. The other woman was alone in the other car with her baby. -
Mr_Mirage — 16 years ago(October 02, 2009 04:19 AM)
- There are no happy endings in french gore flicks. No way baby. If you want a happy ending, go Hollywood.
This needs to be repeated.
Often.
Screaming from the tops of our lungs.
Remember when we said there'd be no future? Well, this is it.
BLANK, Reg
- There are no happy endings in french gore flicks. No way baby. If you want a happy ending, go Hollywood.
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driver-anthony — 16 years ago(October 06, 2009 08:43 PM)
lol funny indeed
but i still enjoy the violence in that movie
i find it hard to believe that most people would act as they should in a situation like that
firstly. police/cops are usually pretty stupid people, thats why they are police/cops and nothing more.. so i didnt find it hard to believe some of the stupid decisions the french cops made -
Bad_Machine — 16 years ago(October 13, 2009 03:52 AM)
- Locking yourself into a dark room and developing photos of the psychotic bitch who just tried to break into your home makes perfect sense - especially when you're alone, pregnant, and French
- If you're a North African kid arrested by French cops on suspicion of rioting, tell them you are a terrorist. They're surely bound to take you straight to the police station instead of taking you on a deadly detour of a residential neighborhood, and eventually leading you to your gory death at the hands of Morticia's evil twin handcuffed to a mutilated cop.
- If you're French, pregnant, alone, and a photographer, DO NOT have a dark room to develop old-fashioned prints. They're soooo yesterday. Get yourself a computer and a top-of-the-range digital camera instead, and tranform the now-defunct dark room into a psyco-killer proof panic room. You know it makes sense. Also make sure you buy the DVDs of Home Alone 1 to 3. Those are great for honing your home survival skills. If a child can do it, so can you. Watch them carefully and set similar traps around your home. Your urban survival depends on it. Don't bother watching Home Alone 4. It was a low-budget TV movie, and it sucked.
- Police survival training in Paris just won't cut it. French policemen urgently need a crash-course in survival tactics in a place like Afghanistan, (although Gaza would also do just fine). At the very least, south-central L.A. The 1% who will make it back will be much better cops, and will do a great job keeping France safe
- Place National Rifle Association stickers on your front door and on your windows. To make it more efficient add "I Vote Republican!" stickers next to those. Any self-respecting intruder would then know that you're just looking for a thin excuse to blow their heads off, and would stay well clear off your property. If you want to make it even more efficient buy full-sized wax replicas of George W Bush, Dick Cheney, and Gary Glitter, and spread them all around your house. They're sure to scare away even psychotic intruders. Don't put any of those into your bedroom though; it can be pretty scary to wake up in the middle of the night and come face to face with dubya on your way to the bathroom! Place a few of them in your garden too - they make perfect garden gnomes.
Just another sucky signature
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abchay — 16 years ago(October 13, 2009 09:42 AM)
- If you're ever having difficulty breathing, use a knitting needle to poke a hole in you throat. It's virtually painless. If you start to lose too much blood, cover that hole with duct tape.
- If you ever have your eyes poked out and lose all vision, look for the circuit breaker so you can turn the lights on first. Although this won't help you see better, it will eliminate your competitive advantage if you try to beat up anyone who is standing nearby (enemy or not).
- Fetuses are tough. They can survive scissor pokes, car accidents, falls, severe stress and blood loss to the mother, despite being covered by a thin layer of easily-cuttable skin.
- No matter the circumstances, don't use a gun or other conventional weaponry unless you can splatter someone's face onto someone else's face.
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dylanatthedisco — 16 years ago(October 18, 2009 10:43 PM)
56: Toasters will severely hurt you. Not the scissors to the hand, not the gun shots in the bathroom.
57. If you have a telescopic pole in your kitchen, don't question how it got there. Make a spear.
Oh, I know some day, they'll make a martyr out of me. -
p-stepien — 16 years ago(October 21, 2009 02:30 PM)
- If you are stuck in a bathroom and a homicidal maniac bitch has blocked the door handle from the outside it is optimal to use a piece of mirror to cut through the door without using any protective cloth, towel or toiet paper.
- Once you make a hole in the door and realise that it is blocked on the outside the logical option is to put your left hand through the said hole, even though using this hand forces you to wriggle your arm and wrist into unnatural positions and also blocks your vision. Using the right hand is for wimps, as you can then easily manouver your hand and to bunk you can still see what is happening on the other side. All this in a situation when you have a homicidal maniac bitch with scissors roaming around on the other side of the door.
- If you are a homicidal maniac bitch and your victim is on the other side of a locked door which can be cut open by a pregnant lady with a piece of mirror it is best to despair and hold tantrums as if this door was made out of titanium. Naturally easily making a hole in this given door with your scissors gives the homicidal maniac bitch absolutely no clue that persisting in this method will easily allow you to enter the bathroom and gut your would-be victim.
- In France if you want to steal someones baby it is best to wait until the last day of pregnancy and then gut the would-be mother with scissors. Stealing a baby after it is born in a hospital is just too cliche
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jlb1992 — 16 years ago(October 30, 2009 11:28 PM)
- Always kill the cat. No psychopathic character is complete without animal abuse.
- If someone breaks into your house, do NOT look for a formidable weapon. Instead, punch a hole into glass and, with your bare hands, use a 6-inch shard as a "weapon".
- Always stick your hands into holes, especially if a serial killer is on the other side of the hole.
- When in doubt, stick a knitting needle into your throat. That always helps.
- Do NOT, under any circumstance, practice self-preservation.
I am actually older than your Jesus. I wish I could have known him, but I missed it.