Taudarian's "Prometheus, the movie they say make's sense" repost repost
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Archived from the IMDb Discussion Forums — Prometheus
sinister_prog — 9 years ago(February 09, 2017 05:54 PM)
Because the fangirlies can't get enough of it
Part 1
"Ten million years ago (according to Ridley) on a planet that may not be earth (despite Ridley also saying it was ten million years ago) an alien stood at the lip of a waterfall and ingested gloop which killed him. This (according to Ridley) is an engineer seeding life (despite life already being there and despite there being much less nasty ways of accomplishing spreading DNA around). But hey, religion, because this is a movie about religion and if you want people doing crazy stupid things for no good reason then religion is by far the best way for them to rationalise their stupid actions.
Anyway this event, which may have happened on another planet, despite it clearly intended to be this planet 10 million years ago, produced us. (Trumpets please!) Except if you know anything about evolution then this explanation is clearly bunk, and from here on in you only know it will get worse.
So, the aliens continued to visit and interact with ancient civilisations because obviously we need aliens as an explanation to tell us how to pile rocks into pointy shapes, despite us knowing that's the only tall stable structure you can build if your civilisation hasn't invented mortar.
Whatever, the aliens apparently interacted with us, such that we believed them gods and they left us lots of star maps. Except they didn't draw these themselves with lasers or anything, creating perfectly accurate maps, no, they let primitive man finger daub and chisel these bloody maps everywhere. That they did this is explained later by Holloway and Shaw who we're introduced to on the Isle of Skye who discover yet another star map and this somehow convinces them more concretely than the previous half dozen they already know about, that our gods were aliens.
So anyway, some point between the Isle of Skye and the next scene, Holloway and Shaw meet Peter Wayland who is obsessed with not dying and who pays out a trillion dollars to toddle off into space based on finger daubings 35,000 years out of date on a planet where the stars undergo precession and not only that, move. He builds the Prometheus, because having done one spaceship which carried a foreboding name, Ridley Scott just can't help doing it again.
Anyway, the Prometheus we see in the next shot, merrily blasting it's way through the stars, it's engines kicking out loads of noise which you can't actually hear in space. Then we cut to the inside, to see androidDavid wandering about. There is gravity on the ship. At some point in the future we have mastered gravity, meaning we don't actually need the large engines, but whatever.
David beams messages to the Engineers, invades peoples dreams just to let you know who the religious one is on board and talks to Weyland who is faking his own death for reasons which are never offered. The crew wake up as they approach LV-223. Charlize Theron wakes up and does pushups and a lot of people think Ridley is great for making it ambiguous she's an androiddespite this scene. She's just a hardass.
The crew establish themselves as unlikeable halfwits, hired by an unlikeable hardass for a trillion dollar mission because hey, the budget ran out and they couldn't hire competent people.
There's a briefing, wherein they're told they've all come all this way because two dolts made a stellar assumption based on old finger paintings and a crazy trillionaire believed them. The biologist mentions 300 years of Darwin which might make a mockery of her theory. Shaw ignores him and he's later killed first for the temerity of using his brain (the only time in the movie he actually does). Shaw meanwhile seems happy to reconcile the belief that we're created by aliens and a belief in God. Clearly she's an idiot.
We arrive at LV-223, a moon orbiting a gas giant. On earth, when one side of the planet is near the sun the other side is at night. This short difference in distance results in the temperature differentials between night and day. Consider now, I invite you, what the temperature would be like on a similar body orbiting a gas giant between when it's close to the sun and when it's on the far side of the planet. Yeah. I know, right?
Consider also that gas giants have massive gravitational force, such that they can cause tidal phenomena in rock just as our moon can cause it in water. Now look at the planet. Yeah. I know, right?
Anyway, the Prometheus plunges into the atmosphere, because that's what you do, you don't orbit, don't survey, don't scan, don't do any of those things you might want to do before landing. No, you just plunge right in.
Amazingly, they find a pyramid and some Nazca lines straight away because -movies. There is six hours of daylight left. Gotta pile out and explore then! The atmosphere we've already been told has toxic level of carbon dioxide, except it doesn't because - science fail (there's a lot of them). We're told as they're suiting up that David doesn't breathe. Bear this in mind when he la -
sinister_prog — 9 years ago(February 09, 2017 05:55 PM)
Part 2
Our intrepid team of idiots wander around aimlessly in the pyramid. It's noticed that it generates it's own atmosphere. Therefore one idiot takes his helmet off. You will note this is a professional archaeologist. Someone whose business is to explore old tombs. Someone who would know about contaminating the environment of old places. Someone who suddenly decides to set aside professionalism because he is, in point of fact, about as smart as a sack of gravel.
David pushes buttons, because he's fed up being treated like an android and figures if he pushes enough random buttons he'll get everyone killed. He's not far wrong in this assumption.
There's a hologram activated of Engineers running away from something. The people follow the holograms to find the Engineers were running towards a room full of black goo, which is a bioweapon. People start buggering about unprofessionally. Goo starts leaking from canisters which are clearly built to subpar engineering standards, something you don't want in a bioweapon container. There's a giant disembodied head statue because Damon Lindelof had something to do with this and, hey, religion. Apparently this is a religion that involves ceremonies performed with containers of bioweaponry in front of a statue head. Nobody said religions ever made any sense, even alien religions. There are murals of mythic significance echoing Marduk and Jesus because Ridley Scott has joined the rolled-up trouser-leg brigade and they lap this stuff up.
Meanwhile back on the ship the Chinese guy says there is a 200mph storm approaching, which you can actually see out of the window. I wish I was making this scene up, I really do, but I'm not. The weather sensors on the ship are only as good as the human eyeball Mark I. They're worse than the UK Met Office. And that's saying something.
Inside the pyramid, they do some carbon dating, which you can't actually do because - science fail. This establishes a further connection with Jesus, although this storyline isn't explored explicitly according to Scott, presumably because it's stupid. But it's hinted that Jesus was an engineer and we killed him and now they're all mad and are going to kill us. Because, yeah that makes sense. Also, it renders Shaw a double idiot. Not only did God not create us, but Jesus didn't come to sacrifice himself and thus the entire point of Christianity is rendered meaningless. But Shaw will still be a Christian at the end of the film, because faith in spite of actually being presented with evidence you are massively wrong is a good thing by this movie's internal logic.
Anyway, severed head of engineer is bagged and everyone legs it. Apart from the two idiots who got lost. The ones with the mapping equipment. Who got lost. In what isn't a terribly complex building looking at the hologram. But still, they got lost because - movies.
The others run out and the storm hits and doesn't kill them by blasting through their bodies with flying debris despite tornadoes on earth being able to bury playing cards into houses inches deep with the force of wind power alone. But hey, science fail. By this point what's one more one-fingered salute to science and logic?
We're about 40 minutes in to this masterpiece. Can it get any worse? Oh yes, yes it can.
On the ship, the archaeologist and the doctor examine the severed head. Shaw decides she wants to try the 19th century parlour trick of galvanism, wherein dead things had electric currents passed through them to make them twitch like they were alive. The Victorians didn't have reality television, they had to make their own entertainment. Anyway, Ridley Scott has decided that galvanism is funny and also he wants to make a head explode, so this proceeds to occur because nobody around that examination table is a competent scientist and nobody involved in the script is either.
The storm rages. David talks to Weyland. Weyland tells him to try harder. David and Vickers have a confrontation to establish some sibling rivalry and it's all terribly po-faced and I'll be happy when these idiots just die, to be frank. David goes to retrieve his canister from the fridge. He decides to feed someone black goo because that's how you interpret the instruction to "try harder" obviously. Let's remember what this expedition is for again, Weyland wants eternal life and wants to ask the aliens how to get it. So you feed someone black goo, obviously. Nice thinking David. Why not just scrape any old crud off this alien moon and feed it to someone, you've got just as much idea it will have any effect as what could be just alien vegetable soup as far as you know. Vegetable Soup of Eternal Life? Well it makes as much sense as anything in this appalling cackfest.
Holloway is sulking for no reason adequately explained considering he's just verified the presence of other sentient life in the universe even if he hasn't found a live one yet. He's a massive c0ck to David so David feeds him black goo, hooray for David -
sinister_prog — 9 years ago(February 09, 2017 05:56 PM)
Part 3
IMDb member since December 2010
The team re-enter the pyramid and locate their dead friends. No protocols have apparently been put in place to deal with crew deaths. Everyone starts panicking like a headless chicken when a worm thing leaps out of a corpse mouth. Holloway suddenly falls really, really ill. There's no protocols to deal with that either. Everyone starts to abandon the pyramid.
Shaw then states she wants a medical team standing by the airlock, with a full quarantine failsafe. Who does this team consist of? I thought the actual medic was with them in the pyramid. Why was there no decontamination procedure in place when entering and exiting the Prometheus anyway? Considering we sterilised the Mars rover before we sent it you'd have thought it would be a standard, but hey, this movie makes such a farce of science that by this point it's hard to view it as anything other than a 150 million dollar Troma movie.
David meanwhile has found the bridge. He pushes some squishy buttons which are unlabelled at random and manages to activate the chair. He has a sit down. Accidentally he's triggered a hologram. (For all their advanced tech the Engineers haven't master full HD, their holograms are pretty lousy). A hologram engineer sits in the chair David is in and pushes the same squishy buttons David did. Weirdly this doesn't activate the chair for him or trigger a hologram. "Just push the damn buttons and wave your hands around" Ridley Scott yells from behind the camera as his muscle-bound actor performs this scene.
The hologram pushes lots of buttons and waves his hands over lights and it takes an age for anything to happen. Suddenly a sort of galactic hologram map appears. David wanders into the hologram and picks up the earth, because you can totally do that. This probably has some religious significance but I've not been inducted into the rolled-up trouser-leg brigade like Ridley, so couldn't tell you. David seems happy though, and even happier when he finds a live engineer. It cuts away. Presumably, from what is said later, David sits there pushing buttons and lights willy-nilly "figuring out the broad strokes" and this alien spaceship doesn't budge an inch.
Holloway is having a bad time of it and is having a serious bout of man-flu. Shaw wants to save him but Holloway has realised that he's a threat to the gene pool, literally, and begs to be flame-throwered. He poses like Christ because hey, religious movie, even though his sacrifice really isn't on a par and Charlize obliges by turning him into extra crispy Holloway wings. It's about damn time, I was getting bored with Mr "Tom Hardy was busy doing Batman so we got this guy instead".
Shaw falls suddenly pregnant. David has got back onto the ship and is suddenly the medical expert. He takes her cross off of her because hey, religious movie. He wants to put her into cryo. Is any of this in his orders? Wasn't Weyland after eternal life? What the hell has this subplot got to do with anything other than to give us a "virgin birth" sequence in the movie because this is all supposed to be terribly religiously profound.
Shaw is understandably upset. So she slugs some of her crewmates (who thoughtfully decide never to hold it against her when they recover, or ask about her alien baby) when they come to take her away and runs to a medibot thingy in Vicker's quarters. I should have mentioned that was there earlier, but my brain was occupied by other lunacy so it slipped my mind. The medibot thingy is male-only, because that's how these things are built in the future. Presumably it's there for Weyland.
Shaw has an abortion. Despite having her abdomen sliced open she seems remarkably able to engage in physical activity beyond this point. It's suggested by fans her meds are really potent future meds. I bet they are, everyone else in this movie seems to have been abusing future meds recreationally judging by their stupidity. The alien baby squid is then gassed. Which does absolutely bugger all to it. This is curious since the exploding engineer head I think was similarly treated and yet that cleared up that infection. But there's so many inconsistencies in what the alien goo can do that inconsistencies in how decontam treatments affect it are par for the course.
A zombie turns up and they stupidly open the doors so it can slaughter people willy nilly. Apparently the only weapon which works in the future are flamethrowers. Some expendable people who had little say die along with the idiot geologist whose second demise seems only too fitting considering what a dingbat he was.
Shaw stumbles into Weyland's chambers. David is washing his feet because it's in the Bible a few times. Nobody asks Shaw what's happened to her apart from David who has mastered deadpan sarcasm, an unusual skill for an android.
Janek stumbles out of a deleted scene to tell Shaw that this is a weapon's facility. Inviting the question as to why, exactly, the aliens told us where their weapon -
sinister_prog — 9 years ago(February 09, 2017 05:58 PM)
Part 4
All but four of the crew head into the pyramid with Weyland. Nobody seems surprised to see Weyland alive and nobody seems to want to tell him where to get off considering the, ummmm, umpteen deaths there's been already. Because when you're the money man everyone instantly obeys you, even if you want to do things which don't make sense.
The captain on the bridge, for the first time, decides to monkey with the hologram and reveal there is a ship in the pyramid. "Jesus Christ" says Theron, because we really can't hammer home enough this is a movie about religion. "It's a God Damn ship" concurs the captain, because look, it's funny cos it's true! It's a ship with which our "gods" are "damning" us. FFS, Ridley, go boil your head, please.
Meanwhile David is playing a flute, despite not being able to breathe. He's mastered this ship already because you can totally do that despite only certain things being labelled, random button pushing having no detrimental effects and there apparently being a full load of holograms which you can watch and learn how to pilot and navigate an alien spaceship.
Shaw figures out the Engineers were going to kill us. The implication it's because of Jesus as mentioned earlier. When these guys have a grudge, they really have a grudge.
They wake the Engineer. The Engineer doesn't seem terribly surprised to see us and instead seems kind of annoyed to have been woken up. You might think he'd be curious, but that's really expecting intelligence from this movie and you really should have had that expectation beaten out of you after what you've seen so far. No, the Engineer goes mad because an insane doddering old codger says he's a god and wants eternal life. (That might be the deleted scene version, if it is then in the theatrical cut the Engineer just flips out for no reason that actually seems reasonable). He kills people and lets Shaw run away. He must carry on with his 2000 year old mission! Because that's what you do. You don't check the time, or ask how long you've been out. You follow orders. Hey, that's the Nuremberg defence. Didn't work there either.
Vickers comes to her senses finally and realises they really ought to go home when she sees everyone die. Hooray Vickers, finally you got brains. Though not for long.
The Engineer climbs into the giant penis gun thing and presses buttons. David is supposed to know how to pilot the ship from this. And yet you can clearly see he can't see what the Engineer is pressing from where his head is lying on the floor.
Suddenly Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skulls appears. This causes Shaw to mutate into a parkour expert, despite her surgery. She talks to the ships captain and says he's got to stop the alien vessel reaching Earth.
Charlize is having none of it. She leaves. The crew members all pose like Jesus as they fly their ship into the ascending alien croissant. It's religion people. It's sacrifice. It's everything. It's a deeply profound Hollywood blockbuster isn't it? No. No it's stupid is what it is.
The croissant then falls. I must say here, the second time I watched this movie I watched it with an engineer. An engineer massively into aeronautical engineering. He can make your eyes glaze over with tech details about planes. The croissant crashes and, as my engineer chum points out, would actually have disintegrated on impact. It's taken a hit right on the weakest point of it's structure which has damaged it so it will fall. If it lands on the same point it will collapse. It doesn't because - science fail, okay one most people wouldn't spot, but it's still a science fail.
We're then treated to the ludicrous scene of it rolling. Which it really wouldn't do either. But Ridley thinks this is cool and he has the money so it rolls. Hundreds of people are screaming for the two girls to run to the side. Charlize doesn't. She gets squished. Hurry up and kill everyone else off, please.
Shaw goes to the lifeboat with 30 secs of air left. In the airlock she grabs a handful of tubes. What are these? Air I'm guessing, she was short of the stuff. Then she hears a noise. It's her baby squid. Except now it's a big squid. What? How? Why? Wasn't it dead? Oh ffs, pleeeaaasse make sense movie, it's not too much to ask is it? An Engineer appeared. His ship fell out of the sky, didn't exploderise on impact and he managed to get past the hold full of canisters of black goo which didn't break after a fall from altitude and yet will leak at the drop of a hat if you so much as breathe on them funny. How did he ? Oh screw it, it's nearly over.
He hunts her down, she sets a squid on him. He gets face-raped. She runs away. She has no food. There is a squid and an engineer in the life pod. David speaks to her. Can she come get him? Sure. She manages to get through a hold full of containers of black goo that apparently didn't break. She gets David's head. He tells her there are other ships.
She lugs his head and body to another ship. She has no food -
Phaenon — 7 years ago(January 13, 2019 01:21 PM)
A distinct lack of lovers if I remember correctly.
No Carrots, Knickers or Aspyxhoid to be seen anywhere
Shame as I would love to have read how Covenant was a gem, wrapped in another layer of gem and then another 3 just to make it evenmore beautiful from them all
Ding Dong
!
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Phaenon — 6 years ago(February 24, 2020 04:37 PM)
Nah, I saw that a thread on the subject of Batman's next opponent in a movie get to the top of GD and clicked on it. The thread was from the old scrap of IMDb, had a recent reply or two, and so found its way onto GD.
Wondering if that was something that happened after the servers crashing today I gave sinister's copy of Taud's incredibly reminiscent of my original (Which is missing) thread a bump but sadly no
The other Batman thread was on a main board called Superheroes and Villains and so must operate differently from movie legacy posts
Still, always nice to visit times when the Lovers thought they had a chance of success
Ding Dong
!
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Phaenon — 6 years ago(February 24, 2020 04:49 PM)
I am not, was not and will never be Taudarian Dazed
He even admitted to posting his "Prometheus, the movie they say makes sense" thread hours after I'd posted a very similar thread on the boards that day. He clearly put a lot of time into his and I'd spent longer than I should have into mine.
I don't think he or I would work hard over working smart
Plus, did you get any of that hermeneutics stuff he was into? I mean it sounded like it was based on something well thought out (Like Kaskait's elemental magic stuff) but I could never find it cited anywhere.
Crazy
but the good kind of crazy
Ding Dong
!
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— 6 years ago(February 24, 2020 05:08 PM)I honestly didn't talk to him much. He had mostly disappeared by the time I got there. Sploiter/strangeler/sinister/shart used to regularly bump this post.
I didn't find kaskait interesting on any level, in fact I think she was yet another mentally ill loon.