watered-down penicillin?
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Altho73 — 18 years ago(August 23, 2007 01:11 PM)
Another thing I hate about today's films is that often the hero of the film (a detective, lawyer, secret agent, cowboy etc) are such repulsive, foul mouthed, arrogant jerks that I am unable to relate to them at all and end up rooting for the bad guys.
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pmiano100 — 18 years ago(August 23, 2007 09:33 PM)
And the women heroes are arrogant, contemptuous, foul-mouthed bxxxxxs as well. Of course they're all drop-dead gorgeous so they can get away with anything. To be PC, I can't even say "heroine" anymore. I think they make the main heroes/heroines that way to appeal to teenagers, who are the majority of filmgoers, especially in the summer and holidays.
Holly started out being arrogant and snotty, but he was humbled when he realized how wrong he'd been about everything. I'm glad he didn't get the girl. She was worthless anyway. She thought being a police informer was worse than being a child-killer.
Also, have you ever noticed how well the men and women heroes handle firearms, even if they're not law officers or even military veterans? I am a military veteran and it takes at least months to develop expertise with a firearm. Those movie firearms often never have to be reloaded either. I once saw a movie where Clint Eastwood fired a six-shooter twelve times without reloading. -
Altho73 — 18 years ago(August 24, 2007 10:23 AM)
Dead right about firearms, it always amuses me when they show 5 foot nothing, 90 pound women who have never used a handgun, holding a Colt 45 in one hand and hitting a moving target. In reality they'd have problems hitting a wall ten yards away.
Try watching 'Where Eagles Dare' where Clint shoots every German in sight with a silenced pistol whereas the German army had made the incredible error of arming their entire division with blanks.
Other film traits that I find totally amusing -
A trait of 1970's films, actors playing military men, characters based in the 1920's, 30's, 40's etc appear in character after flattening down their hippy hair and slicking it back behind their ears thinking that it would look realistically short! Were they afraid of having haircuts?
A trait of 1980's films, almost every attractive woman that the hero meets ends up in bed with him TEN SECONDS LATER!!!!! They fall for the most nauseating chat up lines,,, take a sick bag with you to watch these films!!!! -
pmiano100 — 18 years ago(August 25, 2007 12:49 AM)
I saw "Where Eagles Dare" too. Eastwood fired two full-sized submachine guns, one in each hand, into a stone corridor without breaking his wrists or the bullets ricochetting all over the place. He would have needed a magazine 3 feet long to fire as many rounds as he did without reloading.
Other TV/movie traits that bother me:
Martial-arts heroes able to defeat 12 foes at once. Actually, it's never at once. The idiots always attack him one at a time. None of them has a gun or the good sense to stand back and throw a lamp at his head while he's busy.
Skinny "kick-butt" heroines who manage to throw 6'6", 250 lb. men through windows or across rooms.
Heroes who get up and fight totally unaffected after taking blows that would put anyone else in a coma, and have no bruises, marks, or bleeding.
Whenever the hero has to switch clothes with an enemy he's killed or knocked out, the clothes are always a perfect fit. This happens even if the two are nowhere near the same size.
No matter what her rank, every policewoman is gorgeous and none look over 40 except the African-American woman on "Law & Order." -
Altho73 — 18 years ago(August 25, 2007 01:39 AM)
More things in movies that I hate -
In 'GI Jane' Chief John Urgayle grabs Jordan O'Neil by her shirt and delivers a full force punch directly in her face and she's okay a few seconds later.
In reality her the bone structure of her face would have been shattered.
How the hero is involved in a car chase where his car is shunted, does a triple turn-over, skids along on its roof for a few minutes, crashes into a stone wall and the hero emerges unscathed and runs after the bad guy. - In reality a friend of mine was shunted at 40 mph and spent three weeks in a neck brace.
When the hero is cornered on the Golden Gate Bridge but avoids the bad guys by diving of the top of the bridge into the bay and then swims away. - In reality he'd be dead.
How the hero, maverick cop is always right and the police chief is always wrong, and how can he always keep his job when he swears at the chief and calls him every name under the sun.
How US and British soldiers always stay behind cover when firing at the Germans, Japanese etc, yet the Germans and Japanese always stand on top of the barricade and present themselves as sitting ducks. -
pmiano100 — 18 years ago(August 25, 2007 08:52 AM)
In response -
"5 foot-nothing, 90 lb. women" knock huge men out with one punch.
Women in films are allowed to punch out men for the most minor slight but men can't even slap women no matter what they do. In "Live Free or Die Hard," good-guy Bruce Willis gives multiple murderer Maggie Q a well-deserved beating and the critics gave him hell.
Heroes crash through windows and glass doors and come out unscathed instead of covered with a thousand cuts and bleeding profusely.
Enlisted men and junior officers defy and insult colonels and generals and get away with it. In real life, they'd be court-martialed for insubordination.
A fugitive gets help from people who've only known him 5 minutes, risking jail themselves, because they believe him when he says he's innocent.
WWII pictures where German officers curse out the one Nazi in the whole unit (you'd think there were only 12 Nazis in all of Germany), totally unconcerned that one word from the guy will send them either to Russia or a firing squad. -
Altho73 — 18 years ago(August 26, 2007 03:20 AM)
How plain, mousy women are suddenly transformed into drop dead gorgeous beauties by merely letting their tied back hair down or removing their glasses. How these women wear glasses for the first half of the film, yet when the hero shows an interest in them, they suddenly have perfect eyesight and never need glasses again!
In 'A Time to Kill', Samuel L Jackson's character takes a rifle and kills two men (and seriously injures a completely innocent bystander) yet he gets acquitted by reason of insanity and amazingly is set free, (not sent to an institution to undergo the tender loving care of Nurse Ratchet.)
In 'Mississippi Burning' Gene Hackman's FBI agent beats up and tortures a suspect in front of several eyewitnesses. Yet this act is regarded as perfectly acceptable.
In 'The Unforgiven', Clint Eastwood's character ends up in a gunfight with a sheriff and seven deputies and manages to shoot each of them in turn while they all miss him.
In 'Silence of the Lambs' Jodie Foster is a TRAINEE FBI AGENT, yet she gets put in charge of a case and orders experienced cops around as if they were junior school children.
In 'Speed', Where do I start???? -
pmiano100 — 18 years ago(August 26, 2007 04:56 AM)
How Eastwood kept making "Dirty Harry" pictures long past the point where his character would have been given mandatory retirement.
How the youngest member of an infantry squad in a typical WWII movie, referred to as "The Kid", is always at least 27 years old.
How Eastwood and other old men are shown constantly bedding down women less than half their age. Yes, they often have young wives in real life, but in the films their characters are not rich, famous, and powerful actors.
When a character is murdered in a movie, the newspaper headline will read "JOHN JONES (or whoever) MURDERED," even though the character is a total nobody who wouldn't even rate a headline.
How Ancient Romans always have British accents in the movies and on TV.
English actors play Americans with excellent American accents, but American actors play English people with American accents (Costner as Robin Hood, Clark Gable as Fletcher Christian, etc.).
How all African-American criminals in the movies have bald heads and goatees.
Cars always blow up and burn when they crash on TV or film, which is not common in real life. I once saw an episode in "Magnum, PI" where the car caught fire while still in mid-air.
On "Cold Case", how come no one ever has a lawyer present? In every other cop show, a lawyer pops up sooner or later. Then again, who believes a real-life DA would prosecute an 85-year-old man for a crime he committed in 1945? Can you imagine the medical bills the state would incur?
Every time a poor white or minority kid is accused of a crime, he's always innocent. It's always a rich, arrogant, white boy who really did it. -
Altho73 — 18 years ago(August 27, 2007 01:37 AM)
When a plane crashes in the desert, jungle etc it's funny how all the male characters still have neat haircuts three months later when in reality their hair would have grown out to look like the Beatles on a bad day. All the female characters always have enough make up, eye shadow etc to last for the entire time they are stranded.
How the heroine absolutely hates the hero for the first half of the movie until he looks into her eyes and makes a remark like, 'Your face reminds me of a cute li'l horse I used to ride every day back on the ranch'. From that point on her whole attitude changes and she worships the ground he walks on.
When a group of travellers are stranded somewhere there is always a single guy and a single girl. They're always attracted to each other and always fall in love with each other.
How Dirty Harry and other characters like him manage to walk alone in the most dangerous neighbourhoods of cities yet never find themselves surrounded by a knife wielding gang.
When the hero is mistakenly wanted by the police for murder and there are wanted notices with his photo on every street corner yet he manages the cross the USA without anyone noticing who he is.
When the hero manages to trace the bad guy to a hotel he instantly finds out which room the bad guy is staying, always manages to find a way into that room and remarkably when he does so the bad guy is ALWAYS out. -
pmiano100 — 18 years ago(August 27, 2007 12:44 PM)
No matter how lousy their jobs, all TV characters have huge apartments in the middle of the most expensive cities in the United States.
In a shootout in a public place, the villain may accidentally kill innocent bystanders, but the hero never does.
Whenever there is a criminal gang, there is always one black man, and he is the strongest and most powerful fighter who gives the hero the toughest battle. In the first "Die Hard", the black member was the computer nerd. At least it was original.
On TV, even when the hero is shot or otherwise badly injured, he's perfectly fine in the next episode with no scars or residual problems. Also, people shot in the movies may bleed, but people shot on TV never do.
Whenever the hero is saved from being shot in the back by the villain, he is always saved by someone he knows - never by a faceless police officer or soldier who's part of the team.
Whenever the police or spy agency team up two people who hate each other, they always end up friends or in the case of man-woman team-ups, lovers.
The female lead hates the male lead until she gets drunk. Then she suddenly finds him irresistible and throws herself at him. Of course she always passes out and he carries her to bed and leaves, not even tempted to take advantage of the situation.
The hero is always the first to suspect something crooked is going on, unless he's approached by a beautiful woman who warns him of the evil. He may be skeptical at first, but he always comes around quickly, and is usually the only one right down to the end. No matter how much he uncovers, his superiors always think he's blowing smoke.
Every hero cop is always willing to throw his badge on the captain's desk and throw away his pension, job, medical coverage, reputation, seniority, and everything else, to do "what's right."
Why is it that local city cops always manage to outdo the FBI and other federal agencies in dealing with spies, terrorists, and international criminal masterminds they're totally unequipped to deal with?
How come the hero never meets a villain he can't outfight, and how come every woman criminal he comes up against is a martial arts expert? -
Altho73 — 18 years ago(August 28, 2007 04:01 AM)
How come that the hero of the movie never wears glasses or contact lenses. (Would be a bit difficult when armed bad guys storm into his bedroom in the middle of the night for him to ask them to hold on until he puts his contacts in before shooting it out with them).
In movies that show the heroes ageing over a period of thirty years they never lose their hair despite already having a receding hairline at the start. They appear thirty years later with white hair but exactly the same hairline.
How come that hero detectives who have temper tantrums every few minutes were ever have allowed to have joined the force in the first place, and why are they not fired when it it blatantly obvious that they have psychological problems.
How come that the big cheese of the Mafia or other criminal organisation always supervise and sometimes even carry out killings themselves. In reality they would put as much distance as possible between themselves and actual killings.
In World War 2 movies when escaping GI's have to impersonate German soldiers to avoid detection even the most poorly educated soldier can always speak perfect German.
In World War 2 movies high ranking German officers always converse in English even when they are in battle briefings.
How come that the hero always has his Colt 45 readily available even when shopping at a convenience store and even when away on vacation.
How does the hero manage to travel overseas on vacation whilst carrying his Colt 45, don't airport security devices manage to detect it.
How come that the hero detective is always the first at the scene of a crime even when he is off duty. Does he spend all his free time driving around looking for crimes.
How do heroes and heroines always manage to walk into jobs that they have zero qualifications and zero knowledge about. -
pmiano100 — 18 years ago(August 28, 2007 09:22 AM)
Why does the hero or heroine still have the same physique or figure he or she had 30 years ago when they age in the film?
In war films, why do no two men in the squad come from the same state, let alone the same city?
How come, when a cop or private eye has to bodyguard a woman, she's always single, gorgeous, and falls in love with him?
Why do you almost never see police officers or federal agents in movies about organized crime?
When the hero is knocked out, the thugs are always ordered to take him some place and kill him. Why not just kill him there?
In horror films, why is the wimpiest, smallest girl always the one who turns into a Green Beret and kills the murderer after beating the hell out of him?
Why do people insist on entering dark, silent rooms in spooky mansions alone after two or three people have already been murdered?
Why does the villain always want to taunt the hero before he kills him, giving him a chance to get the upper hand? Why doesn't he just shut up and kill him?
Why does the hero cop always rush in to take on 5-6 bad guys, instead of waiting for back up?
In teen movies, why do the wimps and the punks always unite against the mean rich kids? In real life, rich kids go to private schools and the punks beat on the wimps. -
pmiano100 — 18 years ago(August 28, 2007 07:16 PM)
Neither of us is mocking anyone. We are merely comparing notes on all the cliches so common in film and television for the last 50 years or more that defy reality and logic. Frankly, I'm having a lot of fun. For instance, why is everyone so quick to use their fists in public on television and in movies? In real life, this often results in assault charges and lawsuits. In film/TV, it almost never has any consequences. People hit when a simple "S_ _ _w you!" would suffice in the real world.
Thank you for the compliment. -
Altho73 — 18 years ago(August 29, 2007 05:53 AM)
Neither of us is mocking one another, we're recalling all the cliches and unbelievable moments that we have seen in countless movies over the years.
Why in countless prison movies from the 1920's onwards (except Laurel and Hardy in 'The Second Hundred Years') are the inmates never given prison haircuts.
In prison movies the Warden always seems to be a man of integrity and keen on prison reform while the Guard Captain is always sadistic and full of evil.
How can leading men constantly and persistantly harass a woman with their unwanted advances without having their face slapped or be charged with harassment.
How can the hero (when he has to get to a certain place to prevent a misscarriage of justice) drive a car recklessly at high speeds for over half an hour without being stopped by the police or accidentally injure a bystander.
Why does the hero always arrive with new evidence a few minutes before the wrongly convicted man is about to be executed.
Why do the police department never face huge lawsuits when a maverick cop wrecks dozens of cars, shop windows, hedges, lawns etc with his recklessness.
When a film character shoved a pie in another character's face why does he/she stand there and let them do it. -
pmiano100 — 18 years ago(August 29, 2007 07:58 AM)
Indeed. And let us not forget:
When the hero takes up the cause of a condemned man swearing his innocence, how come he never finds out the guy is actually guilty?
Why do beautiful rich girls fall in love with bumbling losers who "accidentally" kidnap them?
Why do "good guy" police detectives in movies never face punishment or law suits for their acts of brutality?
In so many Cold War films made in the 60s, 70s, and 80s, why is the Communist secret police commander a likable grandfatherly type more interested in chess, classical music, or the upcoming birth of his new grandchild than catching Western spies while the CIA leader is an oily, corporate type only interested in the job?
Why do so many car chases involve just two cars, with no intervention from patrol cars who would normally be called in by the pursuing officer?
Why do criminal suspects never listen to their lawyers when they tell them, "Don't answer that question" ?
In a parent vs. adult child confrontation, why is the child always on the side of right and the parent always on the side of wrong?
Why does the villain try to kill the captured hero by slow and torturous means he always manage to escape from instead of just killing him outright?
In British war films, why is the American always reckless and from Texas? In American war films, why is the British officer always stuffy and imperious?
Why, when a police officer goes undercover impersonating someone, does one of three things always happen: 1)The real guy shows up, or 2) Someone who knows the real guy shows up, or 3) The bad guys ask the one question he doesn't know the right answer to?
Why do so many high school girls on TV and movies look 25 and have gorgeous mothers who look 35?
In heist movies (films sympathetic to the criminal), why is the thief always young, handsome, and likable, and the cop middle-aged, ugly, and obnoxious?
Why do criminal suspects almost always break down and confess at the end of the movie/episode instead of just clamming up and calling their lawyers? -
Altho73 — 18 years ago(August 30, 2007 09:13 AM)
Why do the suspects in 'Columbo' always discuss the case with him and let him follow them everywhere and are always happy to talk to him and therby get themselves deeper and deeper in trouble. Why don't any of them simply refuse to talk to him.
Strange that Lt Columbo is never given murder cases in the rough neighborhoods of south LA where nobody sees anything and nobody would want to be seen talking to cops.
In 'The Shawshank Redemption' it defies belief that Andy was able to dig an escape tunnel (that construction engineers would be proud of) over a period of ten years without any of the guards ever hearing or seeing anything. The entrance to the tunnel is screened by a movie poster which should have been constantly blown outwards by the draft.
In 'The Flight of the Phoenix' it's strange that all the tools and equipment needed to rebuild a plane was in the cargo hold of the crashed plane.
In 'Tough Guys' Kirk Douglas recently released from 30 years in prison and on his first day working as an ice cream vendor bullies a child by smearing ice cream all over his face, an act that would have had him immediately sent back to prison.
In 'Pacific Heights' a newly married ordinary couple are able to afford a property in San Francisco's Pacific Heights area? Unlikely.
In 'Titanic' Jack a third class passenger has no problems at all meeting a first class passenger and is regularly in the first class areas.
In 'Carry on Doctor' Bernard Bresslaw (6'7" and 250 lbs) manages to get into one of the women's wards by dressing up in a female nurse's uniform, yet remarkably neither the nurse on duty nor any of the patients notice anything strange!!!!!
In 'The Poseidon Adventure' a preacher (Gene Hackman's character) knows more about what to do after the capsizing than a ship's officer does. -
pmiano100 — 18 years ago(August 30, 2007 11:41 AM)
No matter when the story takes place, the hero always has current day moral and political values.
In Westerns the hero makes long treks across the desert, but he only has one small canteen with nowhere near enough water to last one day.
Why do rich, childless uncles and their nephews always despise each other on TV and in movies?
Perry Mason, Matlock, and just about every lawyer on TV you can think of virtually always defended innocent people, and found the real killer - right in the courtroom.
In "Wedding Crashers" the ordinary guy naturally falls in love with the beautiful rich girl, who is engaged to a rich creep she doesn't love. How many times have we seen that one?
Why are kids on TV almost always wiser than their parents?
Kidnapped rich men always have beautiful wives. There is always a mutual attraction between the wife and the handsome rescuer. Of course, nothing ever happens - at least not on TV. Movies maybe, but they usually go back to their dull, ordinary husbands.
I've got a lot more, but I have to go for now. Have we repeated ourselves even once yet? If not, that's almost scary. -
Altho73 — 18 years ago(August 31, 2007 01:23 PM)
In several British films of the 60's and 70's the lovely young woman who wants to marry the hero always has a man-hating, dragon of a mother.
In 'Star Trek' whichever planet in whichever galaxy that Captain Kirk and his crew visited the natives of that planet could always speak English.
When an unpopular politician makes an open air speech it seems strange that so many people in the audience have brought along plenty of rotten fruit to chuck at him.
Why is it that when a movie is set in a city like LA with a large Hispanic population that so few of the people walking in the background are Hispanic.
Whenever the hero has to hail a taxi to chase a bad guy escaping in a car all he has to do is snap his fingers and a taxi appears out of thin air.
In a similar situation when the hero has to take over a stranger's car to continue the chase he always manages to enter the car through an unlocked passenger door even when it is in one of the city's most dangerous neighbourhood.
In the 'Voyage to the Bottom of the Sea' TV series the submarine 'Seaview' was made operational by the famous 'Circuitry Room' where there were hundreds of cirucit boards up and down every wall. Frequently sea mosters, aliens, bad guys etc broke into the circuitry room and smashed up most of the circuits. Fear not, the engineers arrived, made a few minor adjustments with a screwdriver and within minutes the whole of the submarine was operational again.
When the hero/heroine urgently needs to make a telephone call to the police, FBI etc the only phone booth available is occupied by an old windbag who talks and talks and talks.
When the hero is escaping from the bad guys in a car chase, he always manages to cross the railway line just before a train appears, the bad guys are stuck on the other side as the train always has around 8000 cars. -
pmiano100 — 18 years ago(September 01, 2007 08:25 AM)
Whenever an Allied flyer/escaped POW is fleeing from the Germans in a WWII movie, he always finds refuge in a home where a beautiful girl lives.
The oldest Western cliche of them all: Just when it looks like the Indians are about to kill everyone, the US Cavalry comes in and rescues them in the nick of time.
When the hero needs to take somebody's car to chase a villain, he never runs into a woman who starts screaming or a man who punches him out. They just let him take their cars.
Among a group of people being knocked off in old movies in the 30s and 40s, there is always an attractive, single man and an attractive, single woman who always fall in love and usually are the only survivors.
In vigilante pictures when the cop suspects who the vigilante is, it never occurs to the cop to just put a tail on the guy 24/7 until they catch him.
Why does the womanizing hero obsess on the one girl who turns him down until he marries her? In real life, they just move on to the next girl.
A ruthless, super-ambitious young executive is sent to close down a factory in a small town and put everybody out of work. He is always charmed by the town, falls in love with a beautiful local girl, and saves the factory, even though it costs him a promising career.
Life-long housewives in their mid-30s who suddenly find themselves single mothers always find great jobs they do well in and fantastic lovers. Meanwhile, the life of the ex-husband who dumped them for a younger woman goes down the toilet.
The most pathetic and plain-looking high school nerd always manages to win a beautiful girl and show up the Big Man on Campus by the end of the movie.
In anti-war films, the conscientious objector medic never grabs a gun to defend himself despite the pleas of the wounded man he's treating. He believes the enemy soldier with a gun on them is a decent guy who won't shoot an unarmed man treating a wounded man. Of course he's always right - WRONG!