I'm Sick of Hurting.
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AlanRickroll — 5 years ago(April 12, 2020 01:23 AM)
I once had poison oak all over my genitals ( had too pee on a hike, must have transferred the oil during aiming). I became aroused when applying my ointment, and popped all of my blisters with the erection
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hungrytheheretic — 5 years ago(April 12, 2020 02:12 AM)
lol I was in the woods with my cousin as a teenager and he had to take a **** in the woods, then when he realized he didn't have a way to wipe his ass he started yelling for me to help find something for him.
I suggested he use his hand and he cursed me, so I directed him to some nearby poison oak and he used it obliviously then spent the next week covered from the waist down with it. His dad was furious about it, but I played innocent and had a good chuckle about how stupid he was privately.
Like, I was 13, how am I supposed to know what poison oak is?
Bring. More. Sheep. -
TheGhostOfStupidBitch — 5 years ago(April 12, 2020 01:26 AM)
Maybe Faust entered your urinary tract and died in there and has been festering for months and decaying and is expecting you to birth his corpse through your urethra. Wait, do girls have urethras? Well your middle pussy then or wherever you piss from
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Trey - — 5 years ago(April 12, 2020 01:39 AM)
I read this recently and found it hilarious
My family poops big. Maybe it’s genetic, maybe it’s our diet, but everyone births giant logs of crap. If anyone has laid a mega-poop, you know that sometimes it won’t flush. It lays across the hole in the bottom of the bowl and the vortex of draining water merely gives it a spin as it mocks you.
Growing up, this was a common enough occurrence that our family had a poop knife. It was an old rusty kitchen knife that hung on a nail in the laundry room, only to be used for that purpose. It was normal to walk through the hallway and have someone call out “hey, can you get me the poop knife”?
I thought it was standard kit. You have your plunger, your toilet brush, and your poop knife.
Fast forward to 22. It’s been a day or two between poops and I’m over at my friend’s house. My friend was the local dealer and always had ‘guests’ over, because you can’t buy weed without sitting on your ass and sampling it for an hour. I excuse myself and lay a gigantic turd. I look down and see that it’s a sideways one, so I crack the door and call out for my friend. He arrives and I ask him for his poop knife.
“My what?”
Your poop knife, I say. I need to use it. Please.
“Wtf is a poop knife?”
Obviously he has one, but maybe he calls it by a more delicate name. A fecal cleaver? A Dung divider? A guano glaive? I explain what it is I want and why I want it.
He starts giggling. Then laughing. Then lots of people start laughing. It turns out, the music stopped and everyone heard my pleas through the door. It also turns out that none of them had poop knives, it was just my ****ed up family with their ****ed up bowels. FML.
I told this to my wife last night, who was amused and horrified at the same time. It turns out that she did not know what a poop knife was and had been using the old rusty knife hanging in the utility closet as a basic utility knife. Thankfully she didn’t cook with it, but used it to open Amazon boxes.
She will be getting her own utility knife now.