Things I learned watching Conan the Destroyer.
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Dick_Douchestein — 17 years ago(April 13, 2008 08:32 PM)
- Even though a man is a barbarian who lives basically his whole life in the desert and has no access to a toothbrush, his teeth will be white and not rotting out of his mouth when he is in his 30s
- When defending oneself with a sword, it is best to hold it like a baseball bat
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abagadro — 17 years ago(April 13, 2008 09:39 PM)
- If you are going to jump off a balcony onto a marble floor, make sure two guys in armor are there to gently break your fall.
- Hitting a man in armor with a staff will kill him.
- A fox tail just doesn't cover an ass crack like it used to.
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madf80 — 17 years ago(April 13, 2008 11:27 PM)
- The best way to decide if someone is handsome is to ask a bodyguard, insult the bodyguard, and then understand that he is handsome.
- Conan has the authority to release any prisoner of his choosing, and somehow only be resisted by two guys with helmets.
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madf80 — 17 years ago(April 13, 2008 11:51 PM)
- The best place to fight is in a ring surrounded by the only thing that can hurt you broken mirrors.
- The most efficient pattern in which to break all mirrors in a room is by running back and forth across the room to different mirrors, never side to side.
- If you're ever in a room full of mirrors, just randomly pick which ones to break. Eventually you'll whiddle it down to the mirrors with your friends behind it and the bad wizard holding them prisoner no problems deciding which one to throw your sword through.
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chromeburn — 17 years ago(April 14, 2008 04:16 AM)
- Apparently barbarians keep themselves very clean and like to oil themselves up like a Chippendale dancer while wearing as little clothing as possible.
- If you need someone's help, the best way to get it is to attack them on horseback with large nets.
- Barbarians have the whitest, cleanest teeth of anyone throughout all time. Part of their impeccable hygiene.
- Why use a stable when you can just ride your horse into the throne room where they can crap all over the place.
- Princesses like 80's feathered hair with bangs.
- If you want to protect someone's virginity, you assign Wilt Chamberlin to do it.
- Things just don't get dirty in Conan's world. Everyone is super clean, clothes are always freshly washed, and buildings newly made. But wizards are dirty.
- You only need four guys to make an elite guard for an entire kingdom.
- Villagers like to live in mining pits.
- Grace Jones had a worse performance than her Bond movie.
- Grace Jones and Wilt Chamberlin have the nastiest foreplay I have ever seen.
- Wizards only sleep on designer pillows and comforters.
- Real wizards fight like pro wrestlers. Spells are for chumps.
- Thieves are really good at jumping behind you onto your horse and stabbing you in the kidneys.
- Thieves also like to rub down Grace Jones.
- When Conan gets drunk, he gets talky, and he isn't a very good instructor.
- If the Queen's guards attacks you and you ask their boss why. If he shrugs and says "dunno", that is enough explanation.
- Amazon women are afraid of mice just like regular women. But they don't want you to know that.
- If you have something heavy to lift, make sure you have a Bombataa around to help you.
- Never let the guy who is into S&M choose the guard uniforms.
- Barbarians make bad diplomats. If you hear them say "Enough Talk!", duck.
- Wizards and priests never have full beards but long goatees.
- Mike Tyson and Wilt Chamberline have similar fighting styles.
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stcharles — 17 years ago(April 14, 2008 11:21 PM)
- Conan will believe you if you say you can bring back the dead
- 15-year-old girls have British accents despite being raised in what appears to be Yugoslavia
- Amazon Babe can knock over three guys just by hitting one of them in the face with a stick
- Painted metal does not match your hair
- Upon waking up and finding that your friend is not in the room, you do not assume that they are just outside going to the bathroom or something
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Dancougar82 — 17 years ago(July 08, 2008 03:07 AM)
- Cowardly, comic-relief thief sidekicks will claim its bad luck to kill a wizard when the party is cornered and your dagger is gone, yet find the courage to step in and stab a dead monster in an attempt to diminish your glory.
Dancougar82
- Cowardly, comic-relief thief sidekicks will claim its bad luck to kill a wizard when the party is cornered and your dagger is gone, yet find the courage to step in and stab a dead monster in an attempt to diminish your glory.
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Dangergrover — 16 years ago(July 26, 2009 04:27 AM)
The god of destruction, once summoned, can be killed in less than two minutes by jumping on its back.
Jumping from a height of 20 feet up is okay as long as you are holding a battle axe.
Cannibals like to roast the wizards the catch full dressed.
The wizard that brought a man back from the dead in the last movie cant undo a simple rope to save himself from being burned alive.