Things I learned watching Conan the Destroyer.
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chromeburn — 17 years ago(April 14, 2008 04:16 AM)
- Apparently barbarians keep themselves very clean and like to oil themselves up like a Chippendale dancer while wearing as little clothing as possible.
- If you need someone's help, the best way to get it is to attack them on horseback with large nets.
- Barbarians have the whitest, cleanest teeth of anyone throughout all time. Part of their impeccable hygiene.
- Why use a stable when you can just ride your horse into the throne room where they can crap all over the place.
- Princesses like 80's feathered hair with bangs.
- If you want to protect someone's virginity, you assign Wilt Chamberlin to do it.
- Things just don't get dirty in Conan's world. Everyone is super clean, clothes are always freshly washed, and buildings newly made. But wizards are dirty.
- You only need four guys to make an elite guard for an entire kingdom.
- Villagers like to live in mining pits.
- Grace Jones had a worse performance than her Bond movie.
- Grace Jones and Wilt Chamberlin have the nastiest foreplay I have ever seen.
- Wizards only sleep on designer pillows and comforters.
- Real wizards fight like pro wrestlers. Spells are for chumps.
- Thieves are really good at jumping behind you onto your horse and stabbing you in the kidneys.
- Thieves also like to rub down Grace Jones.
- When Conan gets drunk, he gets talky, and he isn't a very good instructor.
- If the Queen's guards attacks you and you ask their boss why. If he shrugs and says "dunno", that is enough explanation.
- Amazon women are afraid of mice just like regular women. But they don't want you to know that.
- If you have something heavy to lift, make sure you have a Bombataa around to help you.
- Never let the guy who is into S&M choose the guard uniforms.
- Barbarians make bad diplomats. If you hear them say "Enough Talk!", duck.
- Wizards and priests never have full beards but long goatees.
- Mike Tyson and Wilt Chamberline have similar fighting styles.
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stcharles — 17 years ago(April 14, 2008 11:21 PM)
- Conan will believe you if you say you can bring back the dead
- 15-year-old girls have British accents despite being raised in what appears to be Yugoslavia
- Amazon Babe can knock over three guys just by hitting one of them in the face with a stick
- Painted metal does not match your hair
- Upon waking up and finding that your friend is not in the room, you do not assume that they are just outside going to the bathroom or something
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Dancougar82 — 17 years ago(July 08, 2008 03:07 AM)
- Cowardly, comic-relief thief sidekicks will claim its bad luck to kill a wizard when the party is cornered and your dagger is gone, yet find the courage to step in and stab a dead monster in an attempt to diminish your glory.
Dancougar82
- Cowardly, comic-relief thief sidekicks will claim its bad luck to kill a wizard when the party is cornered and your dagger is gone, yet find the courage to step in and stab a dead monster in an attempt to diminish your glory.
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Dangergrover — 16 years ago(July 26, 2009 04:27 AM)
The god of destruction, once summoned, can be killed in less than two minutes by jumping on its back.
Jumping from a height of 20 feet up is okay as long as you are holding a battle axe.
Cannibals like to roast the wizards the catch full dressed.
The wizard that brought a man back from the dead in the last movie cant undo a simple rope to save himself from being burned alive. -
weaselnutz — 16 years ago(October 16, 2009 01:06 AM)
- BArbarians are very fashion conscious. When told of a Jewel that will unlock the horn which will restore life to a god who will conquer and enslave the world Conan's only concern about the jewel is "Can it be worn?"
- Zula is deadly with a spear toss at over 100 yard when killing Jenna sacrificer yet can't hit a rat at 3 feet in a tunnel.
- Conan was an animal lover. Rather than cutting them down with his sword he is compassionate and only punches horses and camels.
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merlinsbeard — 16 years ago(March 05, 2010 10:50 PM)
- When it is time for the mystery to be revealed so that they know what form their quest really must take, it is always told by a tall Chinese man with facial hair.
- Whenever Conan has to open doors of stone, he is so strong that they bend in the middle slightly, not unlike cardboard.
- When Barbarians fight, it is important to try not to hurt one another very much. They especially do not like to make contact with fists or feet when they swing or kick.
- Barbarians are committed to saving the lives of virgins whenever they can.
- Evil Queens are committed to killing virgins whenever they can.
- Whenever virgins really look at Barbarians, sweet music begins to play.
- Conan turned down her offer to rule with her at the end because he needed to find his own Queen and his own Kingdom in the faraway land of Cahl-eee-for-neee-ah.
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bryandeth316 — 15 years ago(July 17, 2010 03:15 AM)
- Dream gods awaken and become an angry, reptillian version of Andre The Giant.
- Balding thieves are turned on by Grace Jones.
- Grace Jones looking Amazons support rape aka SnuSnu ("Take him!")
- The virgin niece of a Queen will be as annoying as Miley Cyrus.
- You can free a prisoner and not have the entire village want to beat you to death.
- When everyone else is dressed up, the Barbarian can get away with wearing a loin cloth.
- The cowardly thief that stabs the already did monster gets the groovy music played for him because he's pathetic.
- Conan is the ruler of a Third World Country.
- Innocent virgins wake up screaming to Wilt Chamberlain "I need you!"
- Conan can bend solid metal bars in two pulls or less in running water while everyone else cries about someone's brother's sister's cousin which means really his own cousin.
- I really did what I could to get to 100.
- Of all the males in this movie of every species, Grace Jones is still more man than they can every be.
Am
I
Insane?
YES!!
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Shiny-NZ — 15 years ago(January 20, 2011 02:28 AM)
If you're chased into a cave by magician-monks and you can't find the exit, punch your way out through a wall.
Tell Conan you can bring back the dead and he'll totally do anything you want.
Don't ask Wilt to protect an underage girl's virginity. Duh.