Batman is gay
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I'VE BEEN OAN THE LASH FER 5 WEEKS — 4 years ago(March 06, 2022 10:30 AM)
I still maintain that Affleck's rendition brought the worst movie I've ever seen:
"I've got Heat on DVD at home. We're watching this, when for less money we could be watching Robert de Niro and Al Pacino"
A mere couple of weekends past I took the gf out to the cinema. She was offered the stupendous array of merriment available at Cineworld which was Justice League, Thor or Paddington 2. She chose this; more fool her for not choosing Paddington 2. Ironically, a local ‘filmhouse’ was showing the remastered version of Heat the same night, though I realised this too late. More fool me.
Let me state my position on this splurge fest of excrement unequivocally: this is the most awful ‘movie’ I have ever seen in my life. Typically, the superhero genre is one known for pouring out gastric leakage like no other. Aside from Nolan’s Godlike TDK Trilogy, Watchmen, parts of X-Men and some of Daredevil (particularly the Punisher subplot), it’s a genre that personifies Hollywood with great aplomb: intrinsically stupid, juvenile and formulaic.
Events started off with ‘Batman’ being attacked by some sort of flying monster. You can imagine my sheer confusion here! My recent previous exposure to Batman was seeing the magnificent Christian Bale playing a grounded, troubled and ultimately human character engulfed in inner turmoil regarding his fight for the greater good. Nolan made the historically embarrassingly pathetic superhero genre believable, engaging and relevant to not only a more adult, intellectual audience; but to quite literally any able minded cinema goer. What’s going on here? Jesus wept.
And continuing this theme, for this review shall be sparse on many specific details given I can remember virtually nothing of the horrific experience, Affleck should hang his head in shame – or better yet just hang himself – for attaching himself to this monstrosity. Affleck is someone I consider capable and he has been attached to some good work. However, here he just wasn’t Batman at all – he was a pansy wearing a cape. He looked like he had gubbed a good gram of valium before setting foot on stage, which was ironic because I felt similarly after forcing myself through the experience.
There was lots of ridiculous CGI, flying pixies and monsters, and you’d be forgiven for wondering why the **** these supposed superhero characters had been mongolised into appearing in some sort of bizarre World of Warcraft movie. There was also a magic box, but nothing really seemed to mean anything. My previous exposure to this god-awful ‘universe’ had been 30 minutes of Man of Steel, but I don’t think I missed a beat because there simply was no characterisation, plot development or anything here involving creative thought. The antagonist was some level 40 goblin, though I can’t recall anything about him or what on earth he’s meant to represent. Who was he? What does he stand for? Who ****ing cares? There was absolutely no discernible plot and it felt like some sort of weird Japanese cartoon. Random events happened that seemed jumbled up with little consequence. It was like lots of little vignettes filmed by different directors who hadn’t communicated with each other. Cohesion was as lacking as quality and direction. Superman appeared and Henry Cavill’s performance was about 40 years out of date, leading nowhere.
The basic premise in a superhero movie is there’s some sort of doomsday scenario and the good guys save the day. However, I wasn’t quite clear what exactly they were trying to save here? No fictional universe seemed to exist. We briefly saw a family and that was basically it. Aside from that all we saw was the main characters and pitiful CGI nonsense. At no point did there seem to be any ramifications to the level 40 overlord winning the day. The end of the world? What world?
The only passes from me were how hot Wonder Woman is and a somewhat bad ass scene where Jason Momoa slugs a bottle of whisky and stomps off to the ocean. Slim pickings, folks. I’ll take what little pleasure I can from life. Not so long ago I watched Dunkirk in the same cinema and it was a masterful production of tightly constructed emotion, drama and mesmerising performances. To have this monstrosity airing after it just bastardised it. A masterclass of filmmaking with perfect editing, cohesion and direction. This is the polar opposite.
Nobody involved in the production of this movie could claim with any sincerity that this was intended to be in any way good. I refuse to believe that every single person was inline with its subatomic thought process. In 1967 Mel Brooks created ‘The Producers’, a movie about a play deliberately intended to be woeful. In 2017 we seem to have streamlined the process into creating the movie itself to be deliberately awful.
When I was a child there was an unfortunate chap named ‘William the Window Licker’. Frankly, I doubt he would have found this engaging enough to capture his interest. And this was a fellow who found a bus window endle -
I'VE BEEN OAN THE LASH FER 5 WEEKS — 4 years ago(March 06, 2022 10:42 AM)
Yes, and I've decided to wipe my hairy arse with it and block you.
Got anything more to say, ****?
If this doesn't evoke some sort of emotion in you you are dead.
Thank you for talking to me -
GrumpyBastard — 4 years ago(March 06, 2022 10:54 AM)
TMI, I don't need to know about your big fat lazy hairy ass.
Not a **** but I've got plenty to say. nolan is to movies what modern art is to proper art (like paintings by the Dutch masters like Rembrandt): a way to pretend you are a conoisseur. Modern arts is as ugly and as stupid as it comes; a big shapless lump of clay called 'Mother and child' or a 'painting' that completely red. Or blue. Or yellow. And dumb people will look at it this pretentious drivel and say that I see what the creator meant and how the appreciate the hidden deeper layer and bullshit like that.
Same with nolan and his movies. They all suck. You need to watch them 5 times and constantly pause to give yourself time to think what the f*ck is going on, if something is real or not and then write out a timeline to try to understand the whole story.
Morons like you will defend nolan whatever he makes and pretend it's awesome what he does, thereby implying that you are one of the people smart enough to understand nolan, which is bullshit as his stories just make no sense.
It's exactly what I said: pretentious drivel. It's like a piece of music that's got 30 extremely complicated chord progressions in it (wow! impressive) but the song sucks monkey bollocks. nolan is an overrated dimwit. -
P.Error — 4 years ago(March 07, 2022 12:10 AM)
The only passes from me were how hot Wonder Woman is and a somewhat bad ass scene where Jason Momoa slugs a bottle of whisky and stomps off to the ocean
Watch the Snyder Cut. Snyder uses a better song choice when Aquaman takes his walk toward the ocean signifying a lonely, isolated Aquaman as opposed to Joss Whedon's song choice which says "I'm a badass."
There's also a chant the townspeople sing in honour of Aquaman, who they consider their god. Great stuff.
Ben Affleck wasn't all bad, he was just in the ****tiest universe. Ben Affleck would have been ideal for Nolan's Batman. He's got the chin. Bale doesn't.
I want there to to be two separate universes. The Justice Leage-verse and Batman solo, the latter being like The Batman.
I'm not a fan of PG-13 fantasy superhero films. I stay away from Marvel and Wonder Woman and Aquaman and Shazaam. Not my thing. The only time the fantasy aspect is appealing is when Zack Snyder or James Gunn does them: in other words, Rated R, funny and/or graphically violent. Otherwise I do not want to waste my time with a PG-13 superhero universe. PG-13 is ok only when they're like The Batman, Burton's two films, and Nolan's.
Never lose your desire. -
ToastedCheese — 4 years ago(March 04, 2022 10:20 AM)
Batman is perhaps one of the most mundane and dry of the superheros.
I wouldn't sit through this torture fest if I had the best seat in the house and a free bucket of popcorn and coke.
Norman! What did you put in my tea? -
P.Error — 4 years ago(March 07, 2022 12:19 AM)
Batman is perhaps one of the most mundane and dry of the superheros.
That's because you're comparing him to superpowered heroes.
Instead, you should be comparing him to Jason Bourne, James Bond, Paul Kersey, John Rambo, and John McClane. When you do that, it makes him the most interesting. He does what they do except he wears a cool bat suit!
Never lose your desire. -